WTF Island

WTF Island: Jackson Five, Kid Rock, Glenn Danzig, Rock Camp and Assteroids

Even as our economy continued to go up in flames like the Toyota Center, the carnival of WTF kept trolling along this week. It seemed that every day we saw something so asinine and foolish that we couldn't keep up. Jackson Family slavery museums, rock and roll fantasy camps, Kid Rock's new beer, "Assteriods" with Diamond Dave, and Glenn Danzig's new dating show kept WTF Island at full capacity.

We found out this week that the Jackson Five's Marlon Jackson, brother of Michael, is helping to finance a slavery-based theme park in Nigeria. The project will be set up at a multi-million dollar hotel and will also include, naturally, a Jackson Five museum. Cool! We love the Jackson Five! It would be cool to see all those old costumes, gold and platinum records, or some animation cells from their old cartoon show. Awesome! We wondered aloud at what exactly a slavery museum would entail, and subsequently our HR department stepped in to stop us. (Nervous sweating)

Since 1997, rock fans have been able to live their rock and roll dreams out at "Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp" in Los Angeles. Campers get to live like rockers, jamming and recording a track, and then performing it at the Whiskey on the Sunset Strip. This year's session starts on April 29 in Hollywood and runs for five days. Yes, for a couple thousand dollars even you can learn the ropes of rock with.....Steve Lukather from Toto! Who hasn't dreamed of learning the mysterious ways of the axe with.....Bruce Kulick from Michael Bolton's old rock band and one-time ghost guitarist for Kiss! They really know how to round up the legends. It seems like a good idea, but for that much money we would want to chop up lines with a hotel keycard with Billy Idol or chase some sweet MILF tail with Vince Neil. Todd Rundgren and Duff McKagan are the featured artists set for the closing concert, so we guess that's cool.

A brewery in Michigan is ramping up plans to create a beer specifically for Kid Rock and his fans. The "Early Mornin' Stoned Pimp" is working with The Michigan Brewing Company on design, taste, and advertising logistics. Investors are said to be throwing at least seven million dollars at the project, which for now is only set to be released in the Michigan area. We thought about some names for the brew, like "Bawitabeer." It doesn't matter; we only drink wine coolers anyhow.

You can now play a David Lee Roth-style game of "Asteroids" called, uh, "Assteroids" online. It's just like the old arcade game, except you fight off Sammy Hagar, little Eddie heads, and small Van Halen logos. The audio for the game is taken from the popular a cappella tracks from "Running With The Devil" that were leaked onto YouTube a few years back. We're still waiting on "Holiday In Cambodia," a first person shooter Dead Kennedys-style game where you are a American soldier fighting off the man in the black pajamas. Sigh....

And lastly, Rocks Off's favorite tiny gothic dancer Glenn Danzig is shooting his own "Rock of Love" spin-off show for VH1. The show will focus on finding a new dark bride for the Evil Elvis. Or Satan. The press release was kind of cryptic. "Rock of Love: Bride of Satan with Glenn Danzig" begins airing in July. Danzig came to town in October and Rocks Off wasn't too happy with his half-assed shenanigans, as he flailed at sound techs like an ill-tempered Miley Cyrus. Maybe this will redeem what shred of creditability he had left. I mean, have you listened to Static Age lately? Shit still owns....

"She Rides"


KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty