You Won't Get Into Heaven Listening to Christian Dubstep

Driving home the other night, I thought I had come up with the perfect get-rich-quick scheme: Christian dubstep.

Roll your eyes if you'd like, but one thing I've noticed is that going to an EDM show is a lot like going to church: They both feature music, alcohol and standing on your feet for long periods of time. Plus DJs love to do the Jesus Christ Pose.

I was all set to grab some hymns and load up Fruity Loops, but I thought I'd check Google to make sure no one had beat me to the punch. Imagine my disappointment when I saw the album cover above.

But I was curious as well. Had they been able to successfully meld the power of dubstep with the power of Christ? I loaded up Spotify to check it out and file the following report.

"East to West" starts the album off, and for a moment you may be fooled into thinking that maybe this record won't be awful. It's an extremely basic song that mistakes making a lot of noise for being interesting.

This is the problem that plagues every track on the album.

Sure, your average Skrillex track may sound like a bunch of noises strung together haphazardly, but the reason he's been so successful is that he writes great pop songs that masquerade as chaos. The mistake bad producers make is thinking that people want to listen to noise and not pop music.

And so you get songs like "Take My Hand," in which sounds are jammed together one after another but, while being in the same key, don't actually work together harmonically. The producers may think that bass wobble plus robot squelch plus a melodic pebble drop would all sound great in rapid order, but they're mistaken.

The music is routinely bad enough that I rarely noticed the vocals unless they happened to be particularly awful.

On "How Great Is Our God," they attempt to copy the sad robot Autotune effect Kanye does in his live versions of "Runaway," but fail miserably; it sounds like someone singing through that T-Pain microphone you can pick up in the kid's section of Big Lots for $10.

Of all the things the record does wrong, the biggest may be the complete lack of bass. That's not to say there aren't bass sounds on the record; hell, there are a few songs that are just regular instrumental rock with some wobble bass thrown in the background to dubstepify it.

The problem is that you never feel the bass. You could crank this thing through the strongest subs and the only thing you'll feel is regret that you wasted time listening to it.

So as not to sound completely harsh, I'll admit that there were two songs that I thought were okay. "Through The Desert" and "All For Him" are decent enough, but their lack of a solid beat and lyrics makes their relationship to dubstep and Jesus sketchy at best.

Despite having a high-color belt in Google-Fu, I couldn't find much in the way of information about the people behind this release. The listed artist is Dubstep, and clicking on the name leads you to a long list of albums with titles like Simply Dubstep, Really Dubstep and For Dat Azz.

That last one has a track called "Niggas As In Paris," so you know it's good.

So the first album to carry the title Christian Dubstep is a bust, but that's no reason to lose faith. If Christian Death Metal is a thing that exists, it's only a matter of time before a great Christian dubstep artist comes along.

God willing.

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