It's a Google-rific society we be a-living in, and the fastest way to notoriety is to coin a phrase that, when Guantanamo Bayed safely between quotation marks in a search field, will bring up endless debate upon your win or fail.
We have been blessed with some real standout buzzwords of the last several years, and Rocks Offs just couldn't help but dream of how wonderful they would serve as band names. We'll be bringing you our favorites each week until the mid-term election.
TOXIC RED SLUDGE
The Event: Just last week, a Hungarian factory's reservoir became something more akin to a sieve, leaking a toxic red sludge - a waste byproduct of aluminum manufacturing - into the famous Danube. The ooze is being nicely bitch-slapped by the watery pimp hand of the mighty river, but has done some things to local waterways of which Al Gore would definitely not approve.
The Band: Toxic Red Sludge may be the best name from a Nordic country ever. The members could look like the bad guys from Captain Planet, and they could even hand out waivers for their audience to sign that would absolve the band of any fatal radiation sickness or uncool mutation. Hard to imagine anyone suing a band for getting to be Spider-Man out of the ticket, but having a third arm growing out of your fourth testicle might be a bit of a social handicap.
Hit Single: "St. Tumor"
The Event: Way back in 2000, Al Gore and George W. Bush faced off in an election that, if we're all perfectly honest with ourselves, no one really cared about at the time. Bush Sr. had sensibly kept us out of a quagmire once Kuwait had been liberated, and during the peace that followed, Bill Clinton presided over a fantastic economy.
We just wanted someone to mind the store and keep things going. The election was apathetically dead even, with the results coming down to problems with voting practices in the state of Florida. One of those problems was with hanging bits of punched paper ballots - the punched bit of paper is called a chad, AND when they dangle instead of separating completely it's called a hanging chad. The recount was stopped by a Supreme Court order, and Bush Jr. became the 43rd president.
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The Band: There really is one, and they sound exactly like what you think they would sound like. The band is based in North Carolina, and though they aren't exactly active, what few demos they have on their Myspace shows some nice, introspective indie acoustic-pop. Rocks Off would actually like to hear a bit more.
Hit Single: "My Life Has Just Begun"
FAUX LESBIAN BONDAGE CLUB
The Event: Soooooo.... Earlier this year, the Republican National Convention approved expense accounts for members of their Young Eagles program to visit a club specializing in bondage themed, lesbi-centric erotic performance art. The Young Eagles program is designed to attract young wealthy contributors, and if Rocks Off had a dime to his name he'd shed every inch of his commie-pink skin to get in on this! Life's like a box of chocolates, isn't it, Forrest? You never know which ones are filled with toothpaste, which ones are filled with irony, and which ones are filled with deliciously kinky sex.
The Band: It was Jon Stewart who said while reporting on this issue, "If there's not an indie band named Faux Lesbian Bondage Club by the end of the week, I'm going to be very disappointed." Sorry, Jon, there isn't one, but we can picture it very easily. Three guys and a chick that plays the keyboards. They own every Weezer album, and only look up to say, "Thank you and good night."
Hit Single: "Gimp Mask Heart"
BRIDGE TO NOWHERE
The Event: This phrase ain't new, but its most current incarnation is that of an Alaskan project that would have connected Gravina Island with the town of Ketchikan at a cost of 300-plus million smackeroos. The reason you know about this is because Sarah Palin made a big deal about stopping the project - which had become a kind of symbol for pork barrel spending - during her 2008 vice-presidential run.
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Previously, Palin had been very gung-ho for the project. Interestingly enough, though the bridge was never built due to lack of funding, the road that was to service the bridge was... upon the approval of Governor Palin. Apparently, rather than allow the money to be returned to the federal government, they spent it on a road that almost no one uses today.
The Band: Again, there is one! It's a metal band out of Anaheim, CA. Coincidentally, the abrasive screaming cacophony they call songs is the exact sound we hear in our head when Sarah Palin talks or winks. Well, we don't hear that awesome keyboard player that Bridge to Nowhere has when she talks, but the war cry of helpless despair? Yep.
Hit Single: "Bridge to Nowhere" (Got to love a band who uses its name for a song title).
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.