Keep Houston Press Free

Zach Galifianakis Is King of the Bears

Fat white dudes with beards can do anything. We don’t have to worry about high fashion because nothing that’s truly cool will ever fit. Santa Claus visits our houses first before any of you clean-shaven skinny losers, because he’s one of us. We can easily pass for anyone in a stoner-rock band, making it easy to pick up chicks with tattoos. The burly “bears” can pick up guys left and right. People always ask you to lift heavy things because they assume because you’re fat, you are strong. And all girls love a husky guy that will feed them Indian food and keep them warm at night, it’s a scientific fact. It’s safe to say that Zach Galifianakis is the coolest chubs among us. This week, we saw Zach’s video for Kanye West’s new single, “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”. It was filmed on a farm. It has tractors and hay. And Zach menacing the camera with a chainsaw. Why are you still reading this? Hit the link. – Craig Hlavaty

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