The Sheraton Brookhollow was the scene this weekend for the Fetish Fleamarket, a large gathering of BDSM types seeking products, tips, partners, all kinds of things.
We sent a photographer out to do a slideshow, and we have to admit a lot of this stuff looks like it would be....underused, you know? Sure, you'd take it out for the occasional dungeon session, but what about the rest of the time?
Here are 10 of the odder items from the fair and how they can be repurposed.
10. Inedible Bear Claw
Actual purpose: Badly designed drink coaster? Backscratcher for someone with really long arms who doesn't really need a backscratcher? No, it's probably got something to do with animals and hand jobs. Repurposed as: The kitschiest h'ors d'ouerves holder ever!!! Those claws are perfect for holding some olives or cherry tomatoes.
9. Play It Pretty For Atlanta
Actual purpose: Horse role play, where someone gets a bridle on them and acts like a horse. Repurposed as: Temporary mullet to see whoever's touring as Lynyrd Skynyrd this year. The stuff around the mouth? Just homemade orthodontia ready for There, I Fixed It.
8. Handy Utility Belt
Actual purpose: Can we admit we're baffled? It doesn't look like anything you'd see in the Cock Ring Warehouse. Strap-on holder? Repurposed as: A handyman's belt. You've got plenty of snaps along the top. And get yourself some carabiners to hook up to that ring, and you can hold anything. You might not be walking around too comfortably, but your tool load will be vastly increased.
7. You Vill Block Zat Kick
Actual purpose: When the whip comes down, this is what comes down. Repurposed to: Pompoms. Colorful, stinging, leave-a-mark pompoms.
6. Lipstick for Any Mood
Actual purpose: To be licked by whimpering submissives. Repurposed to: Convenient lipstick holder!! Replace those useless bullets withe lipstick tubes in all your favorite colors!! (Note: This works also with any forced-crossdressing scenes.)
5. Total, Complete Anonymity
Actual purpose: The lamest sex aid ever. Repurposed as: If classic comic strips can teach us anything, and they most certainly can, it is that placing a mask such as this on your face renders you instantly and utterly unrecognizable even to your closest colleagues. Use this power wisely.
4. Arts and Crafts for the Kids
Actual purpose: The breast equivalent of the vajazzler, we guess. And like the vajazzler, it seems oddly (and self-defeatingly) dedicated to making sure no mouth ever gets near the jazzled spot. Repurposed to: Extra-fancy face painting. Your cute little second-grader won't want any cheap water-based paint on their cheeks after they get a look at the "cheekazzler." Just don't tell them where you got the idea.
3. Learn 2 Lace
Actual purpose: Re-enacting the corset scene from Gone with the Wind. In a dark way. Repurposed to: Teaching kids to lace and tie their shoes can be hard, as their clumsy little fingers struggle with hopelessly small shoelaces. Let them learn on a bigger scale! Get the hang of lacing and then topping things off with a knot more suited to their hand size. Just hope they don't ask you where those white stains came from.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
2. Mistress, May I Win The Vezina Trophy?
Actual purpose: Keeping submissives in their place. Repurposed to: A goalie mask (Come on, you knew the Vezina Trophy goes to the NHL's best goalie each year, right?) You could argue that a goalie looking to be dominated is not optimal; you could posit that a little layer of leather is not going to do much in terms of protecting you from a 100 mph puck headed to your face. Those are mere quibbles, worm. Don the mask.
1. Let Me Get My Titleists
Actual purpose: Dunno. Embarrassing dudes by making them wear hideous red underwear? The Fetish Fleamarket is a strange and unknowable place. Repurposed to: Golf-ball carrier. That sack is good for four balls, at least. And the PVC material protects them in the rain!!