If you go looking for vintage pulp magazine covers, it's easy to end up thinking your father's or grandfather's generation was an S&M-obsessed orgy of kink. Either men are tied up or being dominated by women in the illustrations, or vice versa.
"Orgy of Kink!!!!!" would probably be a good headline for one of the handful of stories highlighted on the cover of one of these mags. Inexplicably, though, the covers sometimes included the world's most boring headlines. To wit:
10. "An appliance salesman confesses" You're not buying this for the cover story on a Jane Russell look-alike being raped while her man helplessly watches. Instead you're drawn in by the thought of getting inside the mind of a man who sells refrigerators.
9. Dames, what with their bitching and all Amirite guys or amirite? Women are lousing up sports!! And the whole thing with the toilet seats!!
8. Watch out for the annoyed sloths, too "Chewed to bits by giant turtles"? If only there was some way to escape!! An adventure story, in very slow motion.
7. The island harem of John Adams? "You will think me transported with Enthusiasm but I am not. -- I am well aware of the Toil and Blood and Treasure, that it will cost Us to maintain this Declaration, and support and defend these States. -- Yet through all the Gloom I can see the Rays of ravishing Light and Glory. I can see that the End is more than worth all the Means. And that Posterity will tryumph in that Days Transaction, even altho We should rue it, which I trust in God We shall not."
6. A statistical analysis of the wage earnings of the American rodeo cowboy in the mid-20th century We'll get to cleavage babe later. We've got some Department of Labor charts to plow through, thanks.
5. Sounds fascinating We're sure there's night life on the Dead Sea; we're just not sure it's worth reading about.
4. The hottest appointment book ever "I Book Passion Parties" is a scintillating look at the, ummm, person who answers the phone and prints up the schedule of the employees who work those passion parties. Next month: "I'm In The HR Department For A Passion-Party Company."
3. I am mayor of the boringest town ever A Galveston shout-out!! By a mayor who apparently believes no one would willingly visit his town unless there was "sin" to he had.
2. The gripping story of a woman who doesn't have sex "My Husband Was Too Tired To Make Love" -- Who wouldn't read that story? The only upside: It apparently inspired the Dead Kennedys' "Too Drunk to Fuck."
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1. Health insurance Look, even when President Obama and the Democrats were passing a landmark overhaul of the nation's health-care system, no one wanted to read about it. We're pretty sure anyone interested in the "Shocking Truth About Those Once-A-Year 'Easy Love' Parties" isn't exactly hankering to delve into it either.