Every kid who's ever played basketball growing up, either organized or on the playground, wishes he could dunk. It's one of the immutable, uncontrollable urges of teenage boys, like sweets and morning wood.
However, without the aid of a trampoline or an adjustable rim (8 foot rims, I was a fucking beast!), only a rare few are actually able to pull it off, and a very, very small sliver of those few are suburban white kids.
So without the hops and skill to cobble together our own mix tapes and find our way onto YouTube using our athleticism, we've (and I speak in the first person as a former gravitationally challenged Caucasian lad) turned to what we know best -- backyard swimming pool dunks.
You remember those half dozen or so kids from somewhere near Anytown, USA, who rocked their pool rim a few weeks ago, right?
Well, the ante has been upped, my friends.
Somewhere on the other side of Anytown, USA, across the amber waves of grain and over the purple mountains' majesty, a couple youngsters presumably looked at that video and said "We can do better...they had seven guys touch the ball? We can double that! We can do better....they all did this with no footwear, we will have people wearing roller skates! We can do better....we will have a guy in a SPEEDO!"
Okay, maybe not all of this next video you're about to see is better than the one the first set of kids did. (There is nothing good about a SPEEDO, not one single, solitary thing.) But what you're about to watch is a testament to what makes this country great, kids striving for more, wanting to be the best...at suburban swimming pool dunks.
It's the aquatic American dream, bitches!
Let's take a look:
And now let's break this down Zapruder-style...
0:00.0 -- Before we even get started, notice that there is a cameraman standing on the diving board getting ready to film this feat, which means these kids were planning on editing this thing later to have at least two camera angles. And by the way, that's not just some random dude holding an iPhone, that guy has one of those "local news" shoulder cameras. So this is some serious shit. Suburban resources, yo!
0:00.3 -- The ball gets launched from the other side of the fence on the trigger pass, which is a HUGE difficulty upgrade over "through the legs trampoline guy" in the first video, insomuch as the dude initiating the chain of events in the latest video can't even see whom he is throwing to. How many tries did it take just to complete that pass, especially when you consider...
0:00.4 -- ....the guy catching the trigger pass is wearing roller blades! Are you kidding me?!? Consider how many times it took to complete this thing successfully, and how many times that guy had to get out of the pool wearing roller blades, not to mention the godawful annoyance of wearing wet roller blades on your feet all afternoon. So far, Dude #2 (trigger guy was Dude #1) is the unsung hero.
0:02.2 -- Oh Lord, what the..?!? Dude #3 enters the shot and he's on a skateboard, so serious bonus points for having two props with wheels involved in the first three seconds. That's dangerous, that's stupid, that's awesome. However, all bonus points redacted and you're penalized a billion points, Dude #3, for your attire. A SPEEDO?!? And not just any SPEEDO, but a SPEEDO with some sort of writing across the back, like old school WWE tights, like when Paul Orndorff had "Mr. #1derful" written across his ass. I'll make a deal with you, Dude #3...if that SPEEDO says "Mr. #1derful" on it, you can have your bonus points back.
0:03.3 -- Underrated move by SPEEDO Guy, the sliding of the ball through his legs while riding the skateboard. Impressive and largely unnoticed at regular, non-Zapruder speed. He gently places the ball on...
0:04.1 -- ...the bottoms of the feet of some poor bastard who gets stuck on handstand duty. That can't feel good.
0:04.8 -- Now comes the part where all of the role players get theirs, the series of flips of the ball back and forth between dudes who are just trying not to kill each other when they land in the pool. That seems to be how these pooley-oops go (I just made that word up, by the way. Pooley-oop) -- there are certain people with very specific, elite, unique skills who are mission critical, then a handful of guys who can only flip the ball to another guy and that's it, and those guys are just filler. Like in sixth grade, we did Aladdin as our school play. Like in most sixth grades, there were maybe five kids in the whole grade who could act, so those five kids got all the speaking parts. The rest of us were just a bunch of mute, bit parts like palace guards or cows or some shit. What I'm saying is that in this video SPEEDO guy, and over-the-fence tosser, and handstander are all speaking parts. The ball flippers are cows. Got it?
0:05.3 -- Cow to palace guard over to cow back to palace guard...
0:08.2 -- Keep an eye on SPEEDO Guy. Since hopping off the skateboard, he's been making his way around the perimeter, and at one point he stops next to what appears to be a fire pit of some sort to touch a couple bottles, I think. I'm guessing that's a timing thing they've got built into the flight plan, I have no idea. Now I want to interview these guys on my radio show.
0:09.8 -- HOLY SHIT!! See, that's what I'm saying! Look at the guy coming off the top of the highest part of the fence! This guy has a very specific talent and that talent is a fearlessness, bordering on stupidity, that he may get paralyzed from the waist down, but fuck it, we're goin' viral, mother fuckers!! This guy is the Mick Foley of this crew, clearly.
0:11.5 -- Mick Foley Jr. lays it off for....SPEEDO GUY!!! With the slam!! Now that I think about it, SPEEDO Guy may have been rocking the tighty blackies because they are easier to run in. Dude had to circumnavigate the entire pool on wet concrete in about seven seconds after jumping off a moving skateboard. Can't be weighed down by legit swim trunks. So, SPEEDO Guy, I'm giving you back all billion of the points I docked you earlier. You are the man!
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
0:13.0 -- We hear a celebratory scream and the video ends. This is what sucks about Vine (and yes, I know this is technically on YouTube, but it was probably a Vine originally), or maybe the Vine mentality -- the video cuts off after the accomplishment is done. Like right after. I want to see the celebration! The last time we saw this many suburban white kids exchanging awkward high fives and cringe-inducing chest bumps was when those naked Vanessa Hudgens selfies found their way onto the Internet a couple years ago. I need to see the celebration!
So take notice, all you kids with access to a swimming pool and too much time on your hands. Summer is almost over; the time to raise the ante is now! So go find 25 of your friends, fill your swimming pool with baby alligators and piranha, and see if you can pooley oop a ten-pound bowling ball!
Let's keep this party going!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.