This week Mother Jones uncovered a handful of spurious, less-than-scientific facts that Louisiana grade-schoolers will be learning while attending the state's new voucher schools. Obviously, people aren't happy.
A new voucher program under the watch of Governor Bobby Jindal will allot money for students from lower-income communities to attend private schools, which have supposedly higher standards than the state's public ones.
Most private schools are faith-based, meaning that they don't always -- how should I say this -- dig on mainstream science. Since they are funded by families and are most likely built around a specific religious philosophy, they can cater to their audience. Kind of like programming a television schedule. If you think that the Earth is a little over 2,000 years old, you don't want to throw money at a school that teaches, nah dawg, it's more like billions of years old.
Speaking as someone who attended private school for a few years in my early grade-school career, I can say from firsthand knowledge that it's much different from public schooling. For one, we pledged allegiance to the Christian flag every morning, and the concept of evolution was just that, a concept. Not a fact. I had great teachers that I still remember, but they were cheating kids out of getting the whole, complete picture of the world.
Some of the "facts" being taught in these voucher-friendly private schools are laughable and scary. Dragons may have been real, the KKK mostly meant well, and things like algebra are actually an affront to the simple 2+2 way of God's thinking. In other words, keep it simple, stupid.
So in the spirit of my own Texas pride, and in the best interest of young Texans who are getting educated in our great state, I came up with a few facts of my own that I think all Texans should cross the stage implanted in their brains with at their high school graduation.
13. Texas (Movie) History Fuck a whole semester on Texas History. Random Indians, Mexicans, dead white dudes from Tennessee and evil oil barons?? Our children need to know where Urban Cowboy was filmed and where, and also, that The Legend of Billie Jean was shot in Corpus Christi's Sunrise Mall. Also, classes will get a visit from a Houston-area barista who was "totally in Rushmore" but his scene was cut, and knew a dude who lived in the neighborhood where Arlington Road was filmed.
12. Whataburger Doubles As Birth Control For Men Yes, if you eat enough Whataburger taquitos and onion rings after closing time, whatever happens at home afterwards will not follow you around for the next 18 years, because your partner will be so turned on that she will literally combust with desire for you.
11. Texasasaurus Rex Scientists have discovered a dinosaur three times as big as the biggest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever found and he was colored like camouflage, and fossil records indicate that he loved God and the
Dallas Cowboys Houston Texans in that order.
10. Oh Man Friday Night Lights Wasn't that the best? The booming music, the American-style football, the adult actors posing as teens, the family dramas, Kyle Chandler. I cry in the opening credits each time.
9. Ranch Dressing Is A Cure-All It's been said -- by me -- that ranch dressing is the ketchup of Texas, and for good reason. It's dairy, which means it's healthy for you and your bones, and it's got dried chives in it, so that's vegetable. It also goes well on most anything, be it a Kobe steak, french fries, Beaver Nuggets or even a gas station burrito. Doctors say that at least daily ingestion of ranch dressing can stave off most forms of cancer and diabetes. So, pardon the pun, dip in!
8. Buc-ee's Are Technically Lawless Territories In February 1995, by a special secret law signed by then Governor George W. Bush, all Buc-ee's locations are in essence lawless territories, meaning you can do anything you want. Legally kill a man over an unpaid debt, marry your stepdaughter or a pound of potato salad, have an impromptu gun show, gamble in a high-stakes poker game inside an RV, set off fireworks inside the store, do whatever you want, as long as you are carrying a Texas driver's license.
7. Santa Anna Was Gay Yeah, how else can you explain his hair, those frilly clothes and his hatred for a free Texas away from Mexico. Oh, man, I bet he even walked all funny and talked like John Leguizamo in To Wong Foo.
6. Texas Bluebonnets Taste Great "They" say that you can't pick them, but "they" never said you can't eat them. Next time you see a beautiful field of them on the side of the road, get on down there and graze. What's more Texan than a Texan with a belly full of bluebonnets?
5. Willie Nelson Is God Well, I actually believe this myself.
4. UGK 4 Life Um, UGK 4 Life. What else do you need to know about that?
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3. There Is A Basement In The Alamo Contrary to pop-culture lore, there actually is a basement at the Alamo in San Antonio, kiddies. Don't let Pee-wee Herman lead you astray. It is there that FEMA stores all of the coffins and body bags needed in the event of an eventual and certain calamity brought on by the United Nations.
2. Texas Will One Day Literally Break Off From The Rest Of The Country And Mexico Yes, sometime in the far away future, the Lone Star State will undergo a not-so-calamitous change and break away from the heathen brown people-infested country to the south and the lesser American states to the north, east and west, and find itself lodged inside the Gulf of Texico for the rest of eternity...
1. Because Guess What? Texas is actually heaven on Earth. That's why Fleshlights, Ted Nugent, Glenn Beck, Alex Jones (and soon Megadeth's Dave Mustaine) all call Texas home.