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20 Questions for Clemens

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Well, in the all Rocket all the time media atmosphere generated by the release of the Mitchell Report, I feel compelled to remind all of you that the Rocket’s hard-hitting

Sixty Minutes

interview with Mike Wallace

will air Sunday night

– and any of you actually expecting this interview to be hard-hitting obviously have not been informed of the friendship that has arisen between Clemens and Yankee-fan Wallace, nor are you aware that it was Rocket who sought out this interview with Wallace, and not vice-versa.

It was also announced yesterday that Rocket will appear before local media on Monday afternoon to address any and all questions. And let’s just say I’m not expecting local kiss-up Jose de Jesus Ortiz to ask any hard-hitting questions.

Now I’m not expecting to be invited to this little shindig, but I do have some questions I would like to ask, so I’ll post those questions here, and any member of the media, including you Mike, can feel free to use them.

1. So, that time you nearly killed Mike Piazza, was that an incident of ‘roid rage? And throwing that bat at Mike Piazza, was that the result of some kind of bad reaction to HGH?

2. Your attorney has stated that he’s gathering a legal team to go out and seek the statements of those who did not appear before George Mitchell, but should have. Senator Mitchell states on page 175 of his report that he asked to meet you, but you declined. Will Mr. Hardin’s legal team be interviewing you?

3. Senator Mitchell says he informed you of the allegations against you and wished to give you a chance to respond to said allegations, yet you refused to meet him. If you are, as you have stated, innocent of these allegations, why did you refuse to offer a defense before Senator Mitchell? And that said, how can you complain about the report and Senator Mitchell’s investigation when you refused to cooperate?

4. Greg Anderson, the personal trainer to Barry Bonds, has done months in jail for failing to cooperate with federal officials investigating BALCO and illegal steroid use. Yet Mr. McNamee, when given the same options as those given Mr. Anderson, ratted you out. What does that say about you if a friend of Barry Bonds, who’s supposedly one of the world’s biggest jerks, refuses to give him up, yet a man whom you described as “one of a kind” was willing to give you up at the drop of a hat?

5. Given that Greg Anderson has refused to play the rat, do you regret not getting your steroids from him instead?

6. You have been going to great lengths to bring Mr. McNamee’s credibility into question. Why was his credibility not at issue during any of those many years he worked for you?

7. You state that Mr. McNamee is lying. Yet he has told the truth about Andy Pettitte. Why would he lie about you but not about Andy Pettitte?

8. You do realize that Mr. McNamee faces jail time if it’s determined that he’s lied to the Feds or to Senator Mitchell. Given the threat of jail time, where is his incentive to lie?

9. Seeing as how his numbers have started dropping off, don’t you think Miguel Tejada needs to go back on the ‘roids?

10. Given that you are not speaking under oath, that you refused to meet with people conducting this investigation, and seeing as you have given no indication of willingness to speak under oath, where is your incentive to tell the truth?

11. Any chance you can get some ‘roids for your son Kody?

12. You have stated, numerous times in the past, that you have retired from baseball. If you can’t tell us the truth regarding this matter, how can you expect us to believe you regarding a matter of this importance?

13. Yeah, Roger, who is F.P. Santangelo? Or Phil Hiatt? Or Cody McKay?

14. Roger, you and your attorney, Rusty Hardin, have threatened legal actions regarding defamation of character to those reporting steroid allegations against you. However, while you have engaged an attorney best known for his criminal defense of drunken athletes and celebrities, Brian McNamee has engaged the services of a First Amendment law specialist. If you’re really serious, why haven’t you done the same?

15. I guess this explains Chuck Knoblauch’s yips, huh?

16. I note that Joe Torre, your former manager with the Yankees, has refused to come to your defense. Are you going to come out of retirement for a National League team and throw at his head?

17. When can I expect your appearance, under oath, before Congress? And if you appear there, will you refuse to discuss the past, like Mark McGwire; will you suddenly forget how to speak English, like Sammy Sosa; or will you shake your finger vigorously and claim that you have never ever used steroids like Rafael Palmeiro?

18. Is it all Miguel Tejada’s fault?

19. Are you planning to go on tour with Jose Canseco?

20. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of that sanctimonious phony Curt Schilling. Is there any chance of you throwing at his head?

Ortiz, Justice, these questions are all yours. Feel free to ask them.

--John Royal

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