20 Reasons to Buy 2013 Astros Season Tickets (No, Really)

You've probably forgotten about baseball by now. The Astros season ended a long time ago, and unless you live in St. Louis or New York, the odds are that nobody really gives a damn about the Cardinals and Yankees. It might be nice if the Detroit Tigers make the World Series if Kate Upton shows up to cheer on Justin Verlander, though.

But the Astros are planning for the 2013 season. New manager Bo Porter is finally on the job, thanks to the Nationals choking away a series to the Cardinals, and he's assembling his coaching staff. The Astros will unveil the new logo, colors and uniforms early next month. And Jeff Luhnow and his staff are busy looking for some low-cost free agents to bring in and to help out next season.

If this past season is any indication, though, nobody really gives a damn about the Astros -- unless it involves broadcasters or hideous billboards or mascots. So I thought I would try to help out Jim Crane and the business folks and pitch them a few advertising slogans along with a few proposals to entice fans to buy ticket buyers. So...

20. Astros seasons tickets: the perfect Christmas gift for that relative you really, really hate.

19. Jose Altuve and eight other guys.

18. The first 100 people to buy season tickets get their names displayed on that left field erector-set billboard.

17. We see dead people.

16. Do you know absolutely nothing about baseball? Then you're the perfect fan for us because our social media staff knows absolutely nothing about the game, either.

15. That's okay, we can't tell the difference between J.D. Martinez and Fernando Martinez either.

14. Hey, did you miss Albert Pujols destroying Astros pitching this past season? Don't worry, he's back this season, leading the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, United States of America, North America, Western Hemisphere, Planet Earth.

13. How would you like to be the team's Designated Hitter? Well, guess what. If you buy an outfield seat to any Tuesday game, then you'll be the DH for that game.

12. The Astros games will be on a brand-new regional sports network next season. However, as things stand, unless you have Comcast, the only way you'll actually be able to see any Astros game is to attend the games in person. So come on down, we've got plenty of cheap seats.

11. Do you live in Houston? But are you a bandwagon fan of the Texas Rangers? We don't care. Come on down to the ballpark and watch the Rangers whenever you want. Just make sure to buy plenty of beer.

10. Did you love the movie Moneyball? Did you know it's based on an actual, real-life baseball team? Well, come on down to the ballpark and watch the Astros play the Oakland A's in 2013 (sorry, Brad Pitt will not make an appearance).

9. No matter how you look at it, there's no way the Astros defense is as bad as that of the Texas Longhorns.

8. LOL Mack Brown!

7. Admit it, you'd rather travel to Seattle and Toronto to see the Astros play than St. Louis and Milwaukee.

6. Come on down to Minute Maid Park. Now free of douchebag Chicago Cubs fans. 5. Because things can't be as bad as they were last year.

4. Yeah, like people in The Woodlands are really going to drive out to Sugar Land to see a team called the Skeeters.

3. Escape the 100-degree heat inside our nice air-conditioned stadium while the team once again chases 100 losses.

2. We're in negotiations to sign Charlie Sheen and Tom Berenger to contracts with the hope that the Astros will replace the Cleveland Indians in a reboot of the Major League movie franchise.

1. Come on, don't you feel better that these clowns still aren't running things?

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