With the Houston Texans kicking off pre-season play tomorrow night, I thought I would throw out a list of 25 things to watch or listen for during the game.
1. Does Matt Schaub make it through two series of plays without any type of injury?
2. What kind of stupid catchphrase is radio voice Marc Vandermeer going to trot out this season?
3. Spencer Tillman will find some way to refer to some fourth-stringer who will be among the first to be cut after the game as "great."
4. Given enough time during the game, Tillman will refer to every guy on the Texans roster as "great."
5. Gary Kubiak will, at some point, be referred to as a quarterback guru.
6. While Kubiak will be referred to as a guru, left unmentioned will be that he reportedly was the guru to John Elway and Steve Young, neither of whom needed a guru. But those that did need a guru -- Brian Griese, David Carr, etc. -- failed miserably.
7. At some point, we will all be reminded about just how wrong we were about Mario Williams. (Actually, I'm okay with this because I'll admit to having been very wrong in my assessment of Williams as a pro. The word "great" might even actually apply to him.)
8. Betting pool: how long does it take for Kubiak to lose his first replay challenge?
9. How long will it take for Steve Slaton to be referred to as undersized?
10. Betting pool: who is the first player injured? I'm going to shock everyone and go with Chris Brown instead of Matt Schaub. Primarily because Brown makes Ahman Green look like a tough bastard.
11. Drinking game: when Rex "The Sex Cannon" Grossman is in the game, down a shot for each receiver he overthrows.
12. We'll be told that the Detroit Lions going 0-16 last year is in no way a reflection on new Texans' backup QB Dan Orlovsky's abilities.
13. I'm willing to wager that at no point do they show the replay of Orlovsky stepping out of the end zone for a safety last year.
14. Did I mention that Kubiak is a quarterback guru?
15. There will be a discussion about the team's disappointment and surprise that number one draft pick Brian Cushing is injured and not able to play. But at no point will they mention Cushing's lengthy injury history.
16. We'll be told multiple times that this is the year the Texans make the playoffs. Unmentioned will be the fact that this is said by the broadcasters every season.
17. One of the play-by-play guys will go off on a tangent about how Dunta Robinson really needs to be in camp. One of the color analysts will respond that camp is actually worthless and that you don't need to show up until the season starts.
18. All will agree that Robinson is being ungrateful and needs to come to camp.
19. At no point will any of the broadcasters actually refer to Grossman as The Sex Cannon (many, many, many thanks to the geniuses at Kissing Suzy Kolber for that moniker).
20. We'll be told that this is the year that Travis Johnson finally gets his act together.
21. One of the defensive backs will be burned for a bomb.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
22. Owen Daniels will be called underrated and unappreciated by the nation at large, forgetting, of course, that Daniels did go to the Pro Bowl last season.
23. Offensive line coach Alex Gibbs will be called a genius.
24. We'll be told that the defense will be better this year because there's a new coordinator.
25. Oh, who cares. I'm sick of watching the Astros lose time and time again, so it's good to be able to see some football. Even if it is the Texans in an exhibition game.