It's Super Bowl week. The game is on Sunday, but by the time kickoff rolls around we're going to be so sick of the hype that nobody is going to care about the game. The memes have started coalescing, so here's a little primer for every storyline that you will be sick of come Thursday evening once NBC's pregame coverage starts following the end of 30 Rock.
1. Did you know that Kurt Warner is a Born-Again Christian? Be prepared to hear a lot about this one.
2. Did you know that Kurt Warner is a free agent after this season? That will get a lot of attention from the sports guys as well.
3. But maybe not as much as will the question of whether Kurt Warner will retire if the Cardinals win the game? After all, he nearly quit following the loss to the New York Jets when Anquan Boldin was seriously injured trying to catch one of his passes.
4. Is Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald the greatest wide receiver ever?
5. Is Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald the greatest player ever?
6. Did you know that Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt was the offensive coordinator under Bill Cowher with the Pittsburgh Steelers?
7. Did you know that Ken Whisenhunt was supposedly the logical successor to Cowher when Cowher retired?
8. Did you know that Mike Tomlin, an African-American gentlemen, got the Steelers job instead?
9. If the Cardinals win, will this be Whisenhunt's revenge?
10. If the Steelers win, will they be the greatest team in NFL history?
11. Expect to hear that Anquan Boldin, the Cardinals receiver, is a cancer to his team because of his fourth quarter fight with the team's offensive coordinator in the NFC title game against the Eagles.
12. Don't expect to hear anything about Kurt Warner's shoving match with that same coordinator during the first half of that same game.
13. If the Warner fight is mentioned, expect to hear it laughed off as Warner showing what a great competitor he is. Boldin, however, will still be a cancer on par with Terrell Owens.
14. Did you know that Bill Cowher once coached the Steelers? And did you know that Ken Whisenhunt once worked for Cowher? So, who does Bill Cowher pull for in this game?
15. Hey, did you know that Ben Roethlisberger had a nearly fatal motor cycle accident several years ago? Well, the media will tell you all about it.
16. The Pittsburgh Steelers are known for their famed Steel Curtain defenses. So, which version of the Steel Curtain is the best ever? This one or one from the 70s? Expect a position by position breakdown with lots of shouting taking the place of analysis.
17. Hey, did you know that Steelers defensive back Troy Polamalu has some really long hair? And did you ever wonder if it hurts when someone grabs it? That should be some breaking news from Media Day.
18. Cardinals running back Edgerrin James left the Indianapolis Colts the year before they won the Super Bowl. Does a Cardinal win serve as redemption for him?
19. There will also be multiple stories on all of the stupid bets that suckers can make in Las Vegas. Along with that, you should expect to be told that the Vegas handicappers are some of the most knowledgeable sports minds in the world.
20. You should also expect to be told every single story that can be told about the embarrassing history of the Chicago St. Louis Phoenix Arizona Cardinals, including how this is only the seventh time in the team's history to make the playoffs, and that the team hasn't won a title since 1947.
21. Being as how Jennifer Hudson is performing the anthem, expect to hear all about the recent tragedy in her life and what a brave person she is for overcoming this tragedy.
22. For you Fox News Channel buffs, I suspect you'll see Bill O'Reilly questioning whether that communist sympathizer Bruce Springsteen should be allowed to perform at halftime and whether he will perform that un-American anthem "Born In The U.S.A."
23. I wouldn't be surprised to hear Rush Limbaugh go on about Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin being an affirmative-action coach since he was hired under the NFL's Rooney Rule which requires teams to interview African-Americans for head coaching jobs.
24. Expect to be reminded that Ken Whisenhunt is an offensive genius.
25. And here's the ultimate trivia that I suspect ESPN will run into the ground: the Cardinals and Steelers actually merged together in 1944 to form one football team known as Card-Pitt because the teams had lost too many players to World War II to field separate teams.
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