The weather outside might suck really, really bad right now. But it's time to be reminded that more important things are going on this week. It's Super Bowl week, and we're lucky to have the NFL visiting the Metroplex which, on Sunday, at JerryWorld, will be hosting this year's contest between the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. So before the game kicks off sometime before midnight on Sunday, here are some things you should probably know.
1. While there have been rolling power outages going on about the state due to the winter storm, power officials in the Dallas area have made it clear that JerryWorld is exempt and the power will not be turned off.
2. The big news from the game, before the weather hit, was that there was a shortage of strippers in the Metroplex. And you can't have a major event like this while lacking in strippers.
3. Of course, one of the reasons why there might be a shortage of strippers is that Ben Roethlisberger is in town, and he's not exactly known for his kind treatment of women.
5. Of course, despite what the likes of Deion Sanders might say, serving a four-game suspension and winning a bunch of football games does not really constitute a path to redemption for Big Ben.
6. Here's an interesting stat: If the Steelers win, head coach Mike Tomlin will become the youngest coach to win two Super Bowls.
7. You can also expect that Fox play-by-play guy Joe Buck will come off as a smug, sanctimonious jerk.
8. It should also be expected that at some time during the never-ending pregame show, comedian Frank Caliendo will do one of his bits as part of his never-ending quest to make Jay Leno look funny. There will probably be multiple "Terry Bradshaw is stupid" jokes.
9. Did you know that Brett Favre was once the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers? If you didn't know, you will before the game is over.
10. But hopefully, with the Packers making the game, Green Bay fans will finally get over their obsession with Favre.
11. If you thought 610's coverage of the Texans was awful, you should try watching the NFL Network for a day.
12. And since the game is on Fox, expect some untalented hack from one of Fox's shows to be given a prominent spot before the game to badly butcher a song.
13. Not that Fox needs an excuse, but since the weather has been ice cold, expect them to offer up some footage of former Packers coach Vince Lombardi.
14. Did you know that Brooklyn Decker is a media correspondent for the Super Bowl? Is there any chance that I can get media credentials for the SI Swimsuit issue release party?
Duane Thomas, a very wise man
16. But do you think the players would rather be questioned by someone like Sainz, or some sports talk radio buffoon -- not you, of course, Sean. I'm talking about clowns like those over at 610.
17. At some point, expect to hear that JerryWorld is one of the world's Seven Wonders and that communities throughout the country are obligated to build palaces just like that one for their teams.
18. Expect to hear much sanctimonious talk, probably from Joe Buck, about how much the NFL cares about player safety.
19. Which makes it a good thing that Hines Ward is around to call out the league for the hypocrites they are.
20. This is interesting: For you college football fans who obsessed over Wednesday's National Signing Day, remember this: Neither Roethlisberger or Aaron Rodgers were highly rated five-star recruits. Rodgers had to go to junior college before he could even get a shot at playing in college.
21. The Black Eyed Peas are this year's halftime entertainment. As if further proof was needed that the NFL hates its real fans.
22. Speaking of real fans, expect Fox to show lots of people wearing those cheeseheads and lots of people waving Terrible Towels. Just remember that Fox is ignoring the vast portion of the crowd who are really a bunch of corporate punks who could care less about the game.
23. There will, of course, probably be some discussion of the upcoming lockout during the game. Just expect it to be strongly slanted in favor of the owners.
24. There will be no cheerleaders at this game since neither the Packers nor the Steelers have cheerleaders for their team.
25. And finally, expect this game to at some point be referred to as something like the ultimate game or the ultimate battle. Which brings to mind a quote from former Dallas Cowboy running back Duane Thomas: "If it's the ultimate game, how come they're playing it again next year?"
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