Football fans are well aware that the Super Bowl is Sunday. This is the most important football game of the year, which means that telecast is going to be geared to all of those millions of people who only watch football once a year. So here's a brief primer for what you're going to have to put up with it between Peyton Manning and Drew Brees pass attempts.
1. The possibility that all of the commercial breaks will exist of nothing but Peyton Manning commercials -- except for that one commercial featuring little Timmy Tebow's anti-abortion message.
2. Speaking of Peyton Manning, did you know that his father is former New Orleans Saints quarterback Archie Manning? If, somehow, you didn't know this, then you will because Jim Nantz is going to drill this into your head.
3. And Jim Nantz, being an insufferable bore, will have us all longing for Joe Buck by the opening kickoff.
4. And unless Phil Simms does us all a favor by snapping and finally killing Nantz, most of us will be sleeping by the half because there's no better cure for insomnia than a sporting event featuring Nantz on play-by-play.
5. Hey, did you know about Hurricane Katrina? Well, CBS is going to shove Katrina down our throats even more than they're going to shove the Manning family down our throats.
6. Speaking of the Mannings, did you know that Peyton Manning was born in New Orleans? Watch for the home movies.
7. You should also expect a few mentions of the earthquake in Haiti.
8. Speaking of the tragedy in Haiti, Nantz will also probably, at some point, stop with the kissing of Peyton Manning's ass and speak a bit about Colts receiver Pierre Garcon, a native of Haiti who still has family in the country.
9. Nantz and/or Simms will also probably say that it's a tragedy that Brett Favre didn't make this Super Bowl.
10. At some point, Simms will try and tell everybody what Manning's doing with all of his hand and arm movements when he gets up to the line of scrimmage.
11. Oh, did you know that Peyton Manning is related to Archie Manning?
12. I would think that NFL Films will trot out some old game film from the 1970s featuring Peyton's pop, Archie Manning, running for his life from a pack of onrushing defenders.
13. CBS will mostly ignore the Saints during the game, but I'm sure there'll be a reference to Mardi Gras at some point.
14. In case you didn't know, Peyton's little brother is New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning.
15. Somebody might mention that the San Diego Chargers dumped Saints QB Drew Brees in favor of Philip Rivers.
16. They might also mention that the Miami Dolphins passed on Brees in favor of now-Detroit Lions backup Dante Culpepper.
17. I wonder if the Colts regret passing on Ryan Leaf to take Peyton Manning? I wonder if the Chargers regret the Colts passing on Leaf to take Manning?
18. There will probably be a few shots of the Manning family in the stands.
19. And since he has never met an insipid story he couldn't pass up, expect Nantz to talk about the "irony" of former Saint Archie Manning cheering for the Colts.
20. Hey, did you know Reggie Bush was dating Kim Kardashian? CBS knows, and you can expect a few shots of her during the game. Especially if Bush does something good.
21. Isn't it nice that the NFL is letting those old guys who do the theme songs for the CSI shows perform at halftime? Normally, that spot is reserved for famous music groups.
22. Saints coach Sean Payton took over a team mired in chaos, aging veterans, and nearly homeless due to Katrina, and now he has them in the Super Bowl.
23. And you can expect Nantz to condescend to the Mormons by pretending to care and understand about Colts receiver Austin Collie having gone on a two-year Mormon mission.
24. Katrina. Katrina. Katrina. Katrina. And to make sure you get the point, CBS will probably show video footage of the Superdome with the holes in the roof that were caused by Katrina.
25. And back in August, I was in Las Vegas. While there, I put money on the Saints to win the Super Bowl. That means you can expect the Colts to win the game.
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