400-Pound Shoplifting Woman Tased (My NFL/NBA Lockout Practice Post)

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The potential for a lockout in both the NFL and the NBA is starting to feel very real. With news that NFL collective bargaining talks started off contentiously and then earlier this week were unceremoniously broken off, it looks like labor peace is not happening any time soon.

Some players like Owen Schmitt of the Philadelphia Eagles have intimated that they may seek a second job to have at least a trickle of cash coming in during the lockout and to keep themselves busy. Whatever the motivation, it's Darwinian instincts kicking in.

I feel their pain.

If two of the three most popular team sports leagues in the free world are going to invoke work stoppages, what am I going to talk about? What am I going to write about? Are you telling me that I'm going to have to find "non-sports" topics in my bag of tricks. Oh, the humanity!

We're all friends here, right? Okay, then if we're all friends then that means you'll be fine if I use this space to practice some non-sports writing for that time later this year when we are without the NFL (irrelevant via lockout), NBA (irrelevant via lockout) and Major League Baseball (irrelevant because we live in Houston).

So let's see here...let me find a story that's up my alley....AH, HERE WE GO!! From the Macomb Daily in Michigan:

400-pound woman caught shoplifting when motorized cart gets stuck at Rochester Hills Meijer ... police use Taser to subdue her

There once upon a time was a woman from Pontiac, Michigan, named Jerrie Perkins. Perkins is 30 years old, 5-foot-2 and a rotund 400 pounds (although her friends have indicated she doesn't look an ounce over 395). Like most people pushing four bills, she does her shopping while riding a motorized cart at about three miles per hour.

On Tuesday of last week at around 9 p.m., Perkins decided to cart her ample ass over to the Meijer in Rochester Hills to shop for some non-green, non-leafy, deep-fried food items and shoplift some electronics. She managed to pile $600 worth of electronic gear onto her ride (Presumably, a treadmill was not among the items aboard the S.S. Perkins.) when her cart got stuck and she was unable to drive out the door.

It's unclear as to what the meaning of "got stuck" exactly is, as it could mean anything from the carpet getting wedged in the tires to the laws of gravity deciding it was time to grant leniency on the motorized cart by forcing Perkins to get her fat ass to stand up. Either way, the door alarm was activated when Perkins passed through it (Amazingly, she also passed through two other ZIP codes at that exact same moment.) and Meijer employees asked her to produce a receipt for the items on her cart.

At that point, Perkins shoved a "loss prevention officer" (That's "no really, you have an AWESOME job"-speak for "rent-a-cop.") and hit the "officer" in the face, according to the Oakland County Sheriff's Office.

(If I may sidebar at this point in the story, does anyone else see the irony of a 5-2, 400-pound woman being named Perkins? If she married into that name, then (a) God really does have a sense of humor and (b) clearly, all of the "McDonald" boys in the greater Detroit area were taken. Continuing....)

A sheriff's deputy arrived and Perkins was asked multiple times to put her hands behind her back. Instead of cooperating (and perhaps because putting her arms behind her back was a physical impossibility), our ball of hate decided to clench up her fists and assume a "fighting position," according to a press release from the Sheriff's Office.

At 5-2, 400 pounds, Perkins is essentially a sphere, so other than by seeing her rolling at you like a boulder in an Indiana Jones movie, I'm not sure how one would discern a "fighting position." At any rate, whatever position Perkins was in, it was enough for the deputy to pull out the taser and fire some wattage into the northeast quadrant of the Plaza de Perkins -- a punishment so physically insignificant to someone so beefy that she may or may not have mistaken the tasing for her own flatulence.

Perkins is charged with unarmed robbery, second-degree retail fraud and obstructing a police officer. (Actually, to be clear, she obstructed several police officers, three lanes of store traffic and the sun.)

My legal suggestion to Perkins's representation would be to claim "entrapment." The second the officers asked someone 5-2, 400 pounds to put her hands behind her back, they may as well have been asking her to put her legs behind her ears. She doesn't have the "hands behind back" club in her bag.

Speaking of clubs in bag, how about that Tiger Woods?

(See, I can even turn these non-sports posts into a sports topic! Bring it on, lockout! Bring it on...)

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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