Lent hath begun.
Therefore you must give up something. Yeah, you could go the old "broccoli!!" route, but that's juvenile. Instead, you should make a true sacrifice. Look to those who are most honored in our society -- celebrities -- and give up for those 40 days one of their habits.
That's what we're doing. So for us, we will be giving up these five things:
5. Drinking ranch dressing Eternal Father, Thy Son has promised that Thou wilt grant us all the graces which we ask Thee for in His name. Therefore taketh notice that during Lent I shalt not drink ranch dressing in the manner of one of your creations, Courtney Cox. Do not thanketh me, O Lord, it is Your service I sacrifice.
4. Anal bleaching Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. Especially the anal bleaching; let that cap passeth to Kirsten Dunst.
3. Eating two pecan pies in one sitting Sufficient to the day is the pecan pie thereof, and unlike Oprah we shall limit ourselves to one pie per sitting until Easter.
2. Thousand-thread count sheets Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep But I shan't be like thy child J-Lo (For Lent) my thread count is too low
1. $75,000 gift/swag bags Hail Mary, full of grace The Lord is with thee, and thy J. Holly International featuring Mon Platin Natural Dead Sea Mud Pack Blessed art thou among a $16,000 all-inclusive getaway to Huvafen Fushi luxury resort in the Maldives And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, the Total Indulgence Skin Trio by LaVigne Organic Skincare Holy Mary, mother of The Kim Kardashian Signature Watch Collection Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our six-month unlimited Executive Membership to Circuit Works, Amen.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.