5 Houston Places Where Rick Perry Could Send Those 1,000 Border Troops

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Today, it is expected Governor Rick Perry will announce that he is sending 1,000 National Guard troops to the border in an effort to assist police in handling the recent surge of immigrants into the U.S., mostly unaccompanied minors from Central America. The surge has grabbed national headlines and spurred all kinds of rhetoric from both sides of the political aisle. Hair Balls isn't taking a position on that, but we do think that, if Governor Perry were so inclined, he might consider sending some troops to Houston.

We may not have a massive swell of immigrant children walking the streets, but we have our problems and sometimes police just aren't enough. Could the military be the answer? We have no idea, but it's always fun to think about it.


Not only has one of our most treasured facilities come under attack with budget cuts and concerns over the agency's future, but we got a freaking fake shuttle! Mission Control is rapidly becoming a sideshow. We request 100 members of the National Guard be deployed to immediately dismantle the fake shuttle and, when finished, travel forthwith to New York City to take back the Space Shuttle Enterprise and bring it to where it belongs.

The We Heart Houston sign.

Gratuitous selfies at this lovely David Addicks creation along Intestate 10 near Heights Boulevard have caused some traffic issues and occasionally threaten the life of one of the would-be models. We request 10 troops be sent to man the post and protect our citizens from harm. One should be well versed in a variety of photography methods as he/she will likely be asked to snap photos for passers by.

The Interstate 45-Highway 59 Interchange at rush hour.

If God wanted to punish Houstonians, he could have just sent a plague of locusts (we already have roaches and mosquitos), instead he directed the Texas Department of Public Safety to unleash this hellish tangle of freeways on us -- we assume it was God because no sane mortal would design this thing. We request 200 guardsmen (and women) to patrol this region, hurrying along traffic with weapons fire if necessary. Stalled cars should be removed and anyone attempting to change multiple lanes just to make an exit should be sent to Guantanamo.

The Breakfast Klub and Common Bond.

Lots of restaurants have waits, but nothing like the line around the block at the Breakfast Klub or the 45-minute wait for pastries at Common Bond. It's one thing to sit and wait for a table on a busy Saturday night, but we as Americans, as Texans, should not have to wait for breakfast! What is this, communist Russia? We request 40 troops (20 at each location) to assist the fine folks at these establishments in their efforts to get us coffee, a biscuit, a croissant and maybe some chicken and waffles. We're hungry!

The Astrodome

There are those amongst us who would turn the Eighth Wonder of the World into a park or, dear God, a parking lot. They already blew up Astroworld. We request the remaining 650 troops to form a human barrier around the Astrodome and protect it from interlopers until such time a suitable plan for its rehabilitation can be secured. We can't think of a better place for our men and women in uniform to serve in Houston.

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