5 New Careers For Failed Reality Show Star Mitt Romney

The man above lost the election last night, and now that he no longer has dinners, fundraisers, parties, or babies to kiss, he needs something to do. He's sewn his wild political oats and now he must find his way in this brave new world of his. And ours.

He needs a new career away from politics, because he's been running for president for two decades and it just never caught on. Kind of like how an earnest rock band that keeps playing the clubs but play really awful pop-rock will never get signed to a major-label deal and tour the world and get blown on an airplane. Like this band.

Mitt's Mighty Mitts

Romney amazes us all over again with his own line of heavy-duty, flame-retardant oven mitts with emblazoned with eagles and American flags and shit like that. They are all made proudly in the USA or at least with machines partially made in the USA. OK, there is a guy in the factory who oversees things that visited the States when he was a kid. OK, it wasn't the USA, it was really Canada, but he could see the States from his hotel window. Just buy the damned oven mitt or Obama will have to run for a third-term.

Yacht Rock Radio DJ

I have always said that he has got a great old-school radio voice. Maybe he can host a two-hour yacht-rock show on Sirius XM, the kind that you switch on during a lazy Sunday afternoon while cruising on a mimosa drunk. "This is Mittens here playing the hittens for all your kittens. Remember this one from the Little River Band? I know I do, and how we had to shampoo the carpets in the back of my first Bentley."

Character Actor

With some hair extensions he could be make a good ex-hippie surf shop owner on 90210 or a mean and angry dean in a low-budget cable titty movie. Oh! I got it! A bearded Romney guests on Sons Of Anarchy as a wayward playboy who joins a biker gang after he spends millions of dollars on a losing presidential campaign.


Seems like a kick-ass job, with that big fabric sleeve and maybe a cool wide-brimmed hat, right? I mean -- "Mitt Romney, Falconer" -- now that sounds like something I could see on my DVR queue. Add a ponytail, and maybe a Jeep, and all of you will be rethinking that whole "let's all vote again for the black dude " thing. Unless he gets his eyes pecked out.

Etsy King

Romney disappears from public life only to reemerge on boutique online outlet Etsy with his own line of handmade male handbags and wallets made from reclaimed leather from old boots. Soon Romme Homme is all the rage with the hipsters, who don't know that their prized fashion were made by a man who once said that 47 percent of the country were lazy. His leather iPhone cases are his best-selling item.

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