5 Reasons Why Texas Will Never Win "Most Peaceful State" (and Good Riddance)

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Maine has won the latest version of the United States Peace Index's "Most Peaceful State" competition.

Texas? Forty-sixth most peaceful.

This result simply means that Maine is a big pile of bo-ring while Texas is still holding it down with do-whatever-we-please citizens and outrageous criminals (see number five on the below list).

The annual survey, complied by the Institute for Economics and Peace, is based upon criteria such as number of violent crimes and availability of small arms.

Along with state rankings, the 2012 survey measured the most/least passive metropolitan areas.

Houston-Sugar Land-Baytown scored 57th out of 61 communities (Houston represent!), ranking above bottom-place Detroit-Livonia-Dearborn in Michigan and below Austin-Round Rock-San Marcos (34th), Fort Worth-Arlington (39th), Dallas-Plano-Irving (41st) and San Antonio-New Braunfels (45th).

Here are five reasons why Texas will never be top dog in the eyes of the Institute for Economics and Peace (and why we wouldn't want that in the first place).

5. Crimes Unlike Any Other Galveston has a wannabe vampire while Lufkin can boast a dude who throws down on his wife following a domestic-violence counseling session -- true tales that can be found in John Nova Lomax's "2011 Houston Press Crimes of the Year" roundup and only in Texas.

4. Texas-Texas A&M Divorce If the Longhorns and Aggies were forced into domestic-violence mediations during last year's screwy breakup, they'd still be unleashing haymakers at one another. In the ultimate church of football (the great state of Texas), the Horns and Ags engaged in a made-for-TV drama before A&M hightailed it to a place (the Southeastern Conference) where they'll do, uh, really well.3. The Music There isn't a Screwed Up Click in Utah or a Willie Nelson in New Hampshire. While other states like Oregon and California like to get all sensitive in their screamo/emo/wimpy genres, the sounds coming out of Texas tend to put hair on your chest.

2. Questionable Politicians A sane society is normally achieved when capable (non-stupid) folks are running things. Not so in Texas, where we have folks like Rick Perry and his "Dumb Things That Rick Perry Says."

1. Because It Wouldn't Be Texas Did Vermont have a Crush, Texas? Does it still feel like a bunch of Texans would pound a tubful of Lone Star and caravan to a temporary "town" to watch two train locomotives barrel into each other at 45 miles per hour? Hell, yeah, it does.

By the way, if five reasons doesn't feel like enough Lone Star State fodder, here are 50 more reasons why Texas rules hard.

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