Someday, if they ever come up with a graduate degree in social-media forensics, I'm going back to school and getting my PhD because I am of a firm belief that you can learn a lot about a person by the way they utilize and conduct themselves on Twitter.
For example, if you have, say, 4,359 followers but you had to follow 4,133 people to get there, there's a very good chance you have some sort of separation anxiety and almost definitively have some daddy issues. (Also, Facebook is probably better for you, where the relationship MUST be mutual.)
If you have tweeted, say, 34,780 times (looking right at you, mirror!) in less than three years, you probably have a desperate need to be the center of attention and, at the very least, cannot shut the fuck up. (May I suggest online chat rooms instead?)
And then there are the truly special members of the Twitterverse, those that sit on high and regale us with their wisdom while paying nary a nanosecond of attention to our input.
They are the few, the proud:
They are the people who follow nobody. And I'm not talking about those pornbots with avatars of steamy college coeds trying to coerce you into pre-ordering an iPhone 5 with zero followers and who follow nobody. (How do they find me then??? Um..yeah..)
I'm talking about highly visible, public figures who have thousands, sometimes millions of people who follow them, and they have zero interest in what anyone has to say. Whether I feel insulted or stand in awe of these indifferent giants of social media would probably boil down to finding out why they follow no one.
The fact of the matter is we don't know, but I can put me faux Twitter forensics degree to work and try to figure it out, using the five most prominent sports figures who follow exactly zero people on Twitter.
Class is now in session:
5. WADE PHILLIPS (@sonofbum) Occupation: Houston Texans defensive coordinator Followers: 21,342 Following: 0 Tweets: 320 Twitter Usage Overview: Benign updates of mundane things going on in the building over at Kirby, like team meetings and film sessions. Also, Wade is a big fan of tweeting #BullsOnParade. He enjoys that, like an eight-year-old with a new toy. Sample Tweet:
2 practices tomorrow -getting ready for season but
#BullsonParade will be ready Sat night with Cush back in the herd
— Wade Phillips (@sonofbum) August 16, 2012
Wade is so folksy, I honestly think he doesn't want to follow people on Twitter because if he follows, say, ten people, then the other 499,999,990 will feel left out.
4. LES MILES (@LSUCoachMiles) Occupation: LSU head football coach Followers: 77,444 Following: 0 Tweets: 496 Twitter Usage Overview: By and large, Miles uses Twitter to promote big events related to his football program and congratulate some of his peers and other universities. Spelling is sometimes optional. Sample Tweet:
Great Team ,congrates to Arizona!!
— Les Miles (@LSUCoachMiles) June 26, 2012
Also, there's a decent chance Les Miles is still trying to figure out hashtags...
— Les Miles (@LSUCoachMiles) August 17, 2012
Honestly, there's a decent chance that Les Miles has no idea he'sallowed
to follow people on Twitter.
3. JAY BILAS (@JayBilas) Occupation: ESPN college basketball analyst and part-time lawyer Followers: 377,823 Following: 0 Tweets: 6,649 Twitter Usage Overview: Bilas spends most of his time on Twitter calling the NCAA to task for its blatant hypocrisy. Also, he starts each day off with a Young Jeezy quote, like a hip-hop cup of coffee. Sample Tweet:
Graham Spanier's "I didn't know" defense (or Paul Dee Defense) not convincing experts: bit.ly/PGMXPC Fellow presidents, NCAA silent.
— Jay Bilas (@JayBilas) August 26, 2012
As a part-time lawyer and an all-around smarty pants, Bilas probably figures it's just quicker to ignore other people's opinions than waste time grinding them into opinion dust.
2. THE ROCK (@TheRock) Occupation: Actor and part-time WWE Superstar Followers: 3,305,495 Following: 0 Tweets: 4,447 Twitter Usage Overview: Frequent reminders that we should be engaged in activities that are some variation of grinding, bringing it, kicking ass, smacking down or going HAM. Occasional tweets about WWE (for an occasional WWE performer). Sample Tweet:
Monday. Set the tone, tempo & pace for the week..
— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) August 27, 2012
Because IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!
1. DALAI LAMA (@DalaiLama) Occupation: His Holiness and also a "big hitter" on the golf course Followers: 4,991,362 Following: 0 Tweets: 820 Twitter Usage Overview: Sage, clarifying advice to help deal with these complicated times. Basically, its the Iron Sheik's Twitter account minus the ass-rape, racism, illiteracy and cocaine. Sample Tweet:
Since universal compassion involves gradually expanding one's circle of concern to the whole of humanity, it needs constant cultivation.
— Dalai Lama (@DalaiLama) August 27, 2012
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Seriously? Like the Dalai Lama is going to learn anything following any of us? Really?
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.