5 Things You Should Never Do While Driving on the Freeway

Anyone who watched The Matrix and the other two craptastic movies that followed will remember that, inside the Matrix, the freeway was suicide. It was partly the reality of the movie's, um, altered reality, but partly a joke about the hazards of driving on any freeway system.

Driving around Houston, it is not uncommon to see people doing all manner of crazy things while driving. Since you guys keep doing it, it's time for a rundown of what you should not be doing out there.

5. Multitasking

I once saw a man driving down the road with a burger in one hand and a soda in the other driving with his elbows. Just no! It's not a great idea to eat on the freeway in the first place, but one thing at a time, man. If you are driving a standard and need to shift, that's all you get to do. The Whataburger will wait.

4. Talking on the phone if...

...you don't have a hands-free device and/or your brain cannot process talking and driving. It never fails that when someone cuts me off in traffic or makes some crazy turn across two lanes and I pass him, he's got a phone in one hand. Some people have the ability to process multiple complex tasks. Others (let's call them "most") do not. If you are going to talk while driving, do NOT do it without headphones or one of those douchey earpieces. Keep those hands at ten and two, my friend.

3. Applying makeup

Ladies, seriously. I get that, in your rush to get out of the house, you might need to preserve a few things for later, but how can something like this EVER be a good idea? In case you thought that wasn't a rhetorical question, it can't. Not long ago, I saw a woman on the freeway drifting into other lanes while trying to put on mascara in her rearview mirror. Never mind the other drivers; to quote your mom, "YOU'LL PUT AN EYE OUT!"

2. Reading

The number of times I have witnessed people reading books or the newspaper while driving is staggering. Now, with cell phones and tablets that have 3G or 4G wireless access, I'm almost surprised if I pull up beside a car and they aren't reading. I know the commute in traffic gets boring and maybe if you are dead stopped at an accident, you can take a peek at a traffic app, but keep your reading confined to the normal places: on your computer at work, in an easy chair or in the bathroom.

1. Texting/Tweeting/Facebooking

Every single time I see someone drifting into another lane, I assume that person is typing away on a cell phone. I'm almost always right. This is one of the dumbest things you can do while sitting behind the wheel of a two-ton piece of metal that is hurtling down a highway at 70 miles per hour. Lots of people do it. I've done it in the past and I was an asshole. Stop before you kill something other than your dignity.

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