5 Ways to Tell If You've Politically Lost Your Damned Mind

If you're a sane person then you are dreading the next four months leading up to the presidential election. Every single election cycle has gotten more and more crazy, but I have a feeling this is going to be the one where we end up developing airborne thorazine to try and chill folks the holy hell out.

It's so easy to get caught up in the partisan sniping and insulting rhetoric. We don't use war for entertainment much anymore, so now we use politics. The Republican debates showed that clearly between the high ratings and the fact that people openly compared them to a successful TV show. The same lunacy that made people unironically wear Team Jacob and Team Edward shirts has spread to mainstream politics.

Of course, you don't just wake up one morning and say, "Today I shall treat every political discussion as a reason to foam at the mouth" any more than you say, "I shall no longer be able to control my alcohol intake." It happens insidiously, slowly over time. So just as I did when I offered helpful signs that you might be a racist, here are a few indicators that you have crossed over into crazy town.

Bear in mind that these apply mostly to people that currently oppose Barack Obama. However, I can't stress enough how they applied exactly as much to people that opposed Bush in 2004. Something about the end of a president's first term just brings out the cuckoo hardcore.

You Can't Fit Any More Negative Bumper Stickers on Your Car

Let's leave off the fact that being the kind of person that puts bumper stickers on your car already indicates a bestial, territorial personality that makes you want to violent lash out at threats, even though it's totally true. There's nothing wrong, I guess, with a lone "I'll keep my guns and Bible. You can keep the change" decal, but when you go to such lengths that you could literally not express your feelings about the President any further without adding a second bumper you are not projecting an aura of, "This man is a wise and logical political thinker." Take care, though, some people take the next step of decorating their infants to get the point across.

You Compare Anything to the Third Reich

You know who has something in common with Hitler? Every single nation that has been involved with the Olympic Torch ceremony. Hitler invented it, but we all do it anyway. Anytime a politician does something that annoys a crazy person they start looking for a way to compare it to the actions of Nazi Germany.

To be clear, you'd need three U.S. Presidents to equal one Hitler; Jackson (for the genocide), Roosevelt (for the internment camps), and Arthur (for the odd, but charismatic facial hair). Until we see a commander in chief start breaking the windows of a particular race or herding them into ghettos with racial markings, let's leave the comparisons to the fuehrer as an indication of batshittedness.

You Say, "Anything is Better Than _____"

Of all the crazy things people go on about, it's always, "Anyone would be better than Obama." I heard the same thing with Bush when Kerry ran against him. Now, some people say this as an obvious bit of hyperbole. Others not, and for them, I ask you indulge in this exercise.

Go to your Facebook, profile and look at your top eight friends. Now picture each of those people sitting in the Oval Office with access to drone strike technology. You'll be surprised at just how much dislike of a politician can evaporate when put up against the folks we see every day. My God, one of mine was on TV hunting chupacabra once...

You Compulsively Use Derisive Nicknames for Your Political Opponent

I'd like to quote David Wong here. A person that constantly uses derisive nicknames for his political opposite has nothing to teach you.

The other day I was listening to NPR as they reported from a coal mining organization, and the speaker actually said into a microphone addressing a whole room full of adult people, "Barack Hussein Obummer hates coal. That's what Hussein means. It's an Arabic word that means, 'I hate coal,'" and somehow expected to be taken seriously. I mean, the occasionally one-off jab is fine, but when you start using schoolyard level mockery as a kind of talisman then you've lost it.

You Think ____ Is the Worst President Ever

Like the "Anything is Better" argument this one is equally ridiculous. You may hate Obama or his predecessor all you want, but neither will ever be as bad as James Buchanan. You know why? Because when Bush clocked out and when Obama does too, I'll bet, half of America will not have left the union.

James Buchanan was such an amazing host of dangerous ineptitude that he managed to piss off both the slave states and his own party to the point that he basically ended up president of no one at all. His inability to bring either side together through either diplomacy or force led to one of the darkest chapters of American history.

That one won't be topped for a very long time.

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