The Bobby Petrino Saga. It won't go away. And that's good because I can't look away.
Last Friday, I posted the links to and a summary of the various documents that were released to the public. (Hat tip to the Freedom of Information Act, the plague on the house of any state employee who has skeletons in his or her closet.) Well, this weekend, I had a chance to go through the documents in greater detail.
Was I the only one sitting by the pool this weekend with 300 pages worth of Petrino-related documents and a cold drink? I'd like to think not, but in case you weren't, I found the hidden gem of all Petrino administrative gems: Bobby Petrino's resume!
No, I'm not talking about Bobby's list of conquests not named "Becky Petrino" (all of whom I'm sure would require posting on the "Outkicked Pics" gallery at outkickthecoverage.com). I'm talking about Petrino's actual resume -- his personal list of places he's worked and things he's accomplished.
I think it probably makes sense at this point to have you open Petrino's personnel file, so class, please click on the link and go to page 12. It is here that you will find the ousted Arkansas head football coach's "resume," and if you're like me -- a self-respecting American who's had to apply for a job before -- you'll appreciate just how ridiculous this document is.
(Let me point out that I fully realize that this was a document that was probably constructed after the fact so that Petrino's state employee personnel file could be "complete." I doubt Petrino went to monster.com, saw an opening for "Arkansas Head Football Coach" and applied for the job in a conventional fashion, complete with an attention-grabbing cover letter and this poor excuse for a resume. Granted, if he did that would be the ballsiest employment seeking "heat check" ever, frankly something you'd expect from a guy who rides a motorcycle in public without a helmet and with his mistress on the back of the bike.)
How much do I love this resume? Let me count the ways:
6. It's entitled "RESUME" at the top of the page Usually when someone is sending you their resume, it's kind of understood that that's what it is, but maybe the good people in Arkansas need to be reminded exactly what "that there dockyment that has all that feller's old jobs listed" is called. Either that or maybe Bobby Petrino feels the need to entitle all of his personal documents, and if that's the case did he put "PUNK ASS EXIT LETTER" at the top of the note he left for his Falcon players when he skulked out of Atlanta in the middle of the night?
5. Petrino attempted to put an accent on the word "RESUME" First of all, I don't know of a single English speaking person who feels compelled to place an accent on the long e (called an "accent aigu" by the French, in case you need to know) at the end of the word "resume," but whatever. Bonus points for Petrino for trying to be worldly, I guess. Very European, Bobbo. However, if you're going to "accent up" the word "resume," then you need to understand that both e's should have the accent aigu. I mean, make up your mind, Bobbo -- if you're going to be accentually correct, then get it right. Finally, if you're going to apply accents to the word "resume," then use an actual accent mark. An apostrophe is not an accent mark. Using an apostrophe as an accent aigu is the punctuation equivalent of farting in the bath tub and calling it a jacuzzi.
4. Petrino refers to himself as "Bobby" at the top of the page This is funny on two levels. First, the general rule of thumb with resumes is to use your full given name, and unless Petrino's parents named him "Bobby," then the appropriate protocol is to use his full name of "Robert." Second, and more importantly, you have a grown man referring to himself as "Bobby." Isn't there an age where you cease being "Bobby" and you become "Bob"? Like, 12 years old? 3. There is no contact information The goal of most resumes is to get a call back, or at least some level of correspondence and dialogue started with a potential employer. Well, we know Bobby's not using this resume for that purpose, since it has no home address, no phone number, and no e-mail address. Basically, what Bobby Petrino is saying with this resume is "If you want Bobby Petrino to come work for you, you better come find me, motherfucker." (And yes, I fully believe that Bobby Petrino refers to himself in the third person.)
2. Bobby Petrino likes to move around Hey, moving around is part of the life of a coach. I get it. But with 14 moves in 24 years, it's quite clear that Bobby Petrino gets bored pretty easily. I would say that having a blonde half his age who's not his wife on his motorcycle with him in broad daylight...also an indicator he gets bored easily.
1. Petrino spelled the name of his alma mater wrong According to this document, Petrino graduated in 1983 with a bachelor's in Physical Education (which was a solid -350 for Petrino's major on the Pendergast Big Board) and a minor in math from "Caroll College" in Helena, Montana. Clearly, he did not minor in spelling because if he did he would know that his alma mater is spelled "Carroll" with two r's. I don't have official confirmation on this fact, but I believe this makes Petrino the first and only person to ever spell the name of his alma mater incorrectly on his resume and still get selected for a job paying nearly $3 million per year.
Now that he's legitimately unemployed for the first time in his career, let's hope Bobby invests in some resume software and maybe even an hour or two with one of those lame resume consultants to tidy that bad boy up a little bit.
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Because everyone knows your RESUME' can make or break you.
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