This past summer, my employer was kind enough to give me a few extra days off around the Fourth of July. Rather than go on an exotic journey somewhere far less humid than Houston, I opted to stay in Houston to relax and experience a few of the Houston landmarks I'd yet to see in my twelve years here in town.
So my girlfriend Amy and I made a list of attractions we would frequent over that four-day period: Blue Bell creamery, Miller Outdoor Theater, the house made out of beer cans. Stuff like that.
Our first stop of the week was the National Museum of Funeral History, which was actually not only very cool, but proof positive that you can make a museum for almost anything.
I bring this up because today, I learned that there is a Museum of Sex. That exists, that's a thing. And ironically, it was because of Tim Tebow (Virgin Extraordinaire) that I found out about it.
As first reported by Animal New York, the New York City-based Museum of Sex has offered New York Jets quarterback/punt team guy/receiver-who-lets-balls-doink-off-his-helmet Tim Tebow a lifetime membership.
Here's the letter they sent to Tebow followed by my thoughts on this riveting development:
Dear Mr. Tebow:
We would like to welcome you to (the) New York City area with a lifetime membership to the Museum of Sex. While we completely respect your choice to forgo having sex until after marriage, we hope you visit the Museum of Sex to learning (sic) more about the history, evolution, and cultural significance of human sexuality.
Enclosed please find your lifetime membership card along with an overview of 10 key health benefits of safe sex. Some of the health benefits of safe sex include higher levels of antibodies boosting immunity, reduction of pain, better sleep, stress reduction, and better self-esteem. All issues that could certainly help you maintain a healthy advantage in the upcoming Jets football season.
Your "Lifetime Membership" includes:
* One personalized Museum of Sex Lifetime Membership card * Discounted prices for events and lectures * 10% discount on additional tickets * 10% discount at the museum store * 10% discount at the museum bar
Please present your membership card when visiting the museum to receive your discounts. Welcome aboard as a Lifetime Member of the Museum of Sex and we wish you a successful 2012 season with the New York Jets.
Evelyn Ramirez Membership Coordinator
I have six thoughts regarding this monumental turn of events:
6. Before you get all excited and think that the Museum of Sex is really just some kind of brothel disguised as a semi-educational experience, just know that when I went to the museum's website I was greeted with a picture of two chimpanzees groping each other's buttholes with a caption that read:
From same sex pairings and masturbation to dolphin blowhole sex and panda porn, The Sex Lives of Animals establishes a "new natural history" and exposes how humans may not be the only species in the animal kingdom engaging in sex for pleasure.
So if you've been looking for somewhere that you can finally watch panda porn with no fear of reprisal, then museum membership is for you!
5. Regarding the ten percent discount at the museum store, I had a chance to check out the store online, and I decided that the end of days would officially begin when Tebow uses his museum membership to celebrate the resurrection of Christ by saving six bucks on an orgasmic Easter bunny. 4. If Tebow has waited this long to have sex with a woman, I'm pretty sure the ten percent discount he's being offered at the museum bar is going to go unused as well, unless they serve carrot and cucumber smoothies or sugar free Gatorade. (I would pay big bucks to watch Tebow order a tray of "Strap On" shots.)
3. If Tebow gets a pass to a museum for all things sex, then Mario Mendoza's lifetime pass to visit the Baseball Hall of Fame has to be in the mail, right?
2. If reaching out to Tebow is the first step in the museum creating a Famous Virgins wing, then I approve! I mean, you can't acknowledge the rich history and timeless tradition of intercourse without highlighting those who have chosen to eschew its lusty pleasure for large portions of their time on earth. In fact, if they created a Virgin Hall of Fame at the Museum of Sex, I'm thinking the inaugural class would have to be:
* TIM TEBOW. Most famous still-current virgin, and quite possibly the biggest waste of matinee idol worship from females in the history of guilt-free sex.
* A.C. GREEN. Somehow managed to remain a virgin through sixteen seasons in the NBA, where skanks are as readily available as hand towels and water bottles.
* ADRIANA LIMA. Managed to remain a virgin while dating Derek Jeter. Oddly enough, wound up giving it up to her husband, NBA scrub Marko Jaric (which unto itself should give Jaric his own wing in the Museum of Sex).
* EVERY PERSON WHO DRESSES UP AS A STAR WARS CHARACTER AT COMIC BOOK CONVENTIONS. Lifetime achievement award, presented into the Hall of Fame as a group by Mark Hamill.
1. Most importantly, how does the Museum of Sex recognize Tebow's teammate and father of twelve children (by eight women) Antonio Cromartie? Is he the Babe Ruth of sex, a prolific stat compiler? Is he the Abner Doubleday of illegitimate fatherhood, a trailblazer who paved the way for so many future double-digit spawners? Is he the museum curator? Does he get his own statue? So many questions.
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One thing I do know. "Stay-cation" in New York City beats the hell out of "stay-cation" in Houston. No offense, funeral museum.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.