6 Wrestling Finishing Moves That Would Suck at Stopping Riots (w/ Video)

I am admittedly not always the most up to speed on current events. I’m a generally selfish person. If it has nothing to do with my a) job, b) family, c) friends, d) bank account or e) need to satisfy hunger pangs, then whatever “it” may be gets thrown on the back burner.

To wit, the riots in London. I’m not too proud to admit that before this morning, I had no idea what all of the looting and destruction in London was all about. (I had to ask an intern at the station that was half my age with double my IQ.) I merely knew that it was occurring.

Now, while I can’t comment on the cause of the riots and how it might have been prevented, I do believe I am qualified to comment on solutions to quell the riots, especially if the person proposing a solution is none other than former WWE heavyweight champion (and current delusional reality TV star) Hulk Hogan.

Hogan was on the radio in Great Britain with BBC radio host Richard Bacon, and here’s what transpired:

The transcript of my favorite part of the soundbite above is this:

“Y’know, it doesn’t really matter if Hulk Hogan’s over there bodyslamming all the youth like I did Andre the Giant but, at the end of the day, we need to grab these kids, shake them, and say ‘Stop! Regroup! Just look at yourself in the mirror. Is this what you want the mirror image of your life to be? Is this what you want your destiny to be?”

First, you have to love that Hogan specifically mentions Andre the Giant and his bodyslam of him at Wrestlemania 3 in 1987. Surely, Hogan is setting up his next big pay-per-view match against Andre’s corpse at Wrestlemania 28.

Second, I also love that Hogan’s solution is to basically just shake the kids and beg them to get their lives straightened out and realize there’s more to life than random crime. If that doesn’t work, maybe he can just have his son, Nick (who is clearly also in need of a good shaking), plow his sports car into all of the rioters at 150 miles per hour.

I don’t know how exactly you go about quelling a riot, I just know how you don’t go about quelling it and that is by sending Hulk Hogan over there. I mean, his finishing move sequence of big boot, leg drop and pin is so slow developing, he’d get the shit kicked out of him faster than you can say, “Train, say your prayers, and eat your vitamins.” (Besides, I’m pretty sure once Hogan pinned one of the street thugs for a three count, they’d just get up and start looting again.)

Still, sending Hogan over to England to execute his finishing move (a couple thousand times) is not the worst idea I’ve heard. Here are six wrestling finishing moves that would be MUCH worse at ending the London riots! (I’m the king of shitty ideas!)

1. Rey Mysterio’s 6-1-9

Why it won’t work: Because first you need to daze the street thug with an accurate blow to the head. Then you need said thug to land perfectly in such a way that he (or she) is draped over the edge of some fixture. Then you need to have some sort of second fixture to grab after running across the street so that you can swing your legs 180 degrees into the person’s head. Just too much shit going on.

2. Honky Tonky Man’s Shake, Rattle and Roll

Why it won’t work: Why would you choose a move that is named after the three steps that are required to execute it. THREE steps. You’d have a Molotov cocktail in your ear before you got past the “shake,” effectively making it the “Shake, Rattle, Stop, Drop and Roll.”

3. Any submission hold, such as…

Figure Four leglock…

Walls of Jericho…

..or the Sharpshooter

Why they won’t work: Because aside from the inherent flaw of a rioter saying they give up and then standing up and clubbing you on the head with a blunt object, submission moves basically leave the person executing the move as a prop for target practice. Not a good look if you’re trying to save the world.

4. The People’s Elbow

Why it won’t work: First, you need ropes to bounce off of. I’m pretty sure that the streets of London are not lined with ring ropes. Second, there’s a pretty good chance that after getting hit with this move (assuming that you didn’t get hit with a tire iron while making a run off the nonexistent ropes), the riot hoodlum would be like, “Okay, was that supposed to hurt?”

5. Scotty 2 Hotty’s Worm

Why it won’t work: In a riot, I’m guessing there will be shards of glass all over the street, so you probably don’t want to execute a move that involves rolling the front of your body over and over again on the glassy street. The front of your torso would look like a PayDay candy bar, only with glass in place of peanuts.

6. Rikishi’s Stink Face

Why it won’t work: Because inherently two detrimental things are in effect — one, you would be turning your back to your opponent, which is flawed. Second, this move is at its peak of effectiveness when there’s a near obese person on the delivery end. Near obese people are not big on endurance. If a wrestler is going to squash out the riots, we need them to be able to get through more than two or three street toughs before they need a shot of honey mustard for energy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that all of these moves are easily thwarted with one shot from a handgun.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on Yahoo! Sports Radio (Sirius 94, XM 208) and 1560 The Game in Houston, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=deW1dnbwcp0