90210 Bastardization, Get Thee Hence!

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So what the hell’s up with this supposedly new version of The Best Show Ever In The History Of Television (no, not “Barney Miller,” Mr. Pop Rocks). Of course I’m talking about “Beverly Hills, 90210.” And I have very strong opinions regarding the alleged remake that has all of Hollywood

a buzzing

(or at least me a buzzing).

I remember in high school how my dad used to tell me how gullible and stupid I was for watching “90210,” and I suppose I probably was, but what the Hell. It got me through my own teen years by allowing me to envision myself living a fantastical high school life full of raves, yellow Mustangs, and parents so cluelessly permissive they should have been reported to CPS. Later, in college, the show helped me hone my ironically judgmental hipster sense of humor as I went from actually wanting to do Dylan McKay to mocking the scene where he sobbed over his dead wife. (I know, I’m evil.) And finally, I remember sobbing over the final episode as a young twenty-something in my own Chicago apartment, drinking beer as I watched the now twenty-something Donna and David get hitched.

So you can see, having grown up with the characters, how strangely parental I feel toward the show.

And how much I do NOT want there to be a remake.

There was only ONE episode where Donna gave up the cherry, and only ONE episode where Kelly got stuck in a burning house and got all those crazy scars on her back (but not on her gorgeous face, of course). Only ONE episode where Brenda thought she was PG, and only ONE episode where Andrea fooled the school district into thinking she was actually zoned to West Beverly. There was only one psychotic Emily Valentine and only one ego-obsessed Steve Sanders and only one David Silver DJing away his sadness after his pal Scott Scanlon blew himself away by the pool.

And by God there was only one Joe E. Tata at the motherfuckin’ one and only Peach Pit (and Peach Pit After Dark, natch).

Now I recognize that the supposed remake is not a remake per se. I realize that there will be brand new characters and storylines, and it’s not like some kid will be running around with sideburns painted on his face calling some mousy faced girl “Bren.” I realize that. And I realize the sadness surrounding Tori “Donna Martin Graduates!” Spelling gabbing to People mag that she would be more than happy to play a part on the new version. And I am cognizant of the fact that perhaps nothing could help the aged actors of the original “90210” more than to have their faces brought up again during discussions of this new show.

Yes, I realize that. But I don’t want this new version. There was only one “90210,” dammit, and I’d like to keep it that way, please. – Jennifer Mathieu

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