President-elect Barack Obama, I would like to congratulate you on your landslide victory Tuesday night. It is truly inspiring. That said, I hope you have had a good rest, because now it’s time for you to get to work. It’s time for you to start picking your Cabinet and lining up your possible Supreme Court nominees.
And I’m sure you’ve got plenty of people in mind. But you’re supposed to be the candidate of change, and I really think that you need to look outside of the box when it comes to these people.
That’s where I come in. Because you see, Mr. President-elect, I’ve put some thought into this, and I know how you can be the true president of change. That’s right, forget all of those names you already have on your lists. Follow my list.
I’m going to start with the Cabinet, and I’m going to go in the order of succession.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Bob Costas might be a bit of a jerk, but have you seen the way he controls the egos of Keith Olbermann, Dan Patrick, Cris Collinsworth, Jerome Bettis, Tiki Barber, and Peter King every week? Think of what he might be able to do in the Middle East.
SECRETARY OF TREASURY: Scott Boras might be a jerk. But the guy knows how to make money for his clients. I say let’s make the United States his client.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Why not Kevin Garnett? He’s one of the NBA’s best defensive players, and he really knows how to stop a charge and make the steal.
ATTORNEY GENERAL: Let’s get Tony La Russa out of the dugout and into the courthouse. He took and passed that bar exam, so let’s let this genius use his power for the forces of good instead of for making the St. Louis Cardinals a better baseball team.
SECRETARY OF INTERIOR: As a Dead Head, I can’t help but believe that no one has seen more of this great country than Bill Walton.
SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE: You want to reach across the aisle, then I suggest gentleman rancher Nolan Ryan.
SECRETARY OF COMMERCE: Mark Cuban’s supposed to be a financial genius. Let’s see him help out the country for once.
SECRETARY OF LABOR: Tom Glavine is a Major League Baseball Players Association hotshot, and he has played an integral role in many of baseball’s labor dealings. Let’s let a real union guy have this job for once.
SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES: Bill Bradley’s more than just a former basketball player and senator, he’s also been an advocate for better healthcare and has been taking a role in ending child poverty.
SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT: Magic Johnson has made some efforts throughout the country in aiding urban development of poor, burnt-out areas, so let him do it on a national basis – and it’s also a great way to keep him off of the NBA TV shows because he’s an awful analyst.
SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION: As a former NASCAR driver and moonshine runner, no one should more about issues of transportation and gas costs than Junior Johnson. It might also help Obama out with that mythical NASCAR dad.
SECRETARY OF EDUCATION: Charles Barkley wants to run for governor of Alabama, and he talks of wanting to improve education. Let’s give him a chance to try it on a national level. He can’t do any worse than the current idiots.
SECRETARY OF VETERANS AFFAIRS: Let’s cross the aisle and go to the guy the Republicans in Illinois tried to get to run against you for senator back in 2004, Iron Mike Ditka. No one has been more outspoken about how the owners and current players have been shafting the old NFL veterans, so just think what he will do for all veterans.
SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: I can’t think of anyone better than Buddy Ryan, the creator of the “46” Defense and the coach of one of the greatest NFL defenses of all-time, the 1985 Chicago Bears defense, to handle the defense of the country’s borders.
THE SUPREME COURT: I’ve seen it written that Mr. President-elect Obama might get to name three people to Supreme Court. So the first selection I would make would be Alan Page. Not only is Page an NFL Hall-of-Fame defensive lineman, but he’s also an associate judge on the Minnesota State Supreme Court. Then I would go with Pat Haden. Sure, he was a mediocre pro quarterback, and he’s a mediocre television analyst for NBC, but he’s an Oxford scholar and a lawyer. And then I would finish out with Steve Young. He’s never practiced law, but he did get a law degree, and compared to the rest of the guys on ESPN, he sounds half intelligent, and he might help with that Mormon vote in the future. – John Royal
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.