It’s the holiday season and a new year is upon us. The Astros had a winning season and went to the playoffs. The Houston Cougars are playing in a major bowl game next week and were actually able to sell out the stadium several times this season.
So I’m feeling pretty generous, and instead of asking Santa to bring me a gift I complied this list of what I wanted him to give others. Here's hoping the big guy follows through:
Jeff Bagwell: An early phone call from the Baseball Hall of Fame with the news that he’s being inducted into the Hall of Fame this summer.
Kevin Sumlin: One stud high school quarterback recruited not by Sumlin, but by Art Briles and/or Mike Sherman, the men responsible for finding Case Keenum and Johnny Manziel, the quarterbacks who made Sumlin’s reputation.
Jeff Luhnow: The delivery of left fielder Yoenis Cespedes, a Gold Glove winning defender who hits for power, strikes out a hell of lot less than Evan Gattis and Carlos Gomez, and possesses perhaps the best bat flip in baseball. Put together with George Springer, Colby Rasmus, and Jake Marisnick, the Astros will possess the best outfield in baseball.
Jim Crane: The affection and admiration that Houstonians have instead wrongly bestowed upon on Bob McNair. Crane, unlike McNair, clearly deserves it for investing in his team, putting smart people in charge, and expressing a desire to win.
George Springer: A healthy season, MVP of the All Star game, a Gold Glove, the Triple Crown, and playoff and regular season MVP.
Dallas Keuchel and James Harden: Razors, since they're adults and not college freshmen.
Bob McNair: A franchise quarterback was requested, but since there’s never been any indication out of the NRG Stadium offices that the Texans would know what to do if the team actually had a franchise quarterback, or that the coaching staff would know what to do if the team had one, that gift request was deleted and will instead be replaced with a wrench. Maybe, with a wrench in his hand, Bob will finally open up the damn roof the tax payers paid lots of money to make retractable.
Bill O'Brien: The phone numbers and email addresses of Matt Cassel, Jimmy Garoppolo, Drew Bledsoe, Scott Zolak, Doug Flutie, Hugh Millen, Tom Hodson, Scott Secules, Jeff Carlson, Marc Wilson, Tom Ramsey, Tony Eason, Tom Owen, Steve Grogan, Matt Cavanaugh, Neil Graff, Jim Plunkett, Joe Kapp, Mike Taliaferro, Tom Sherman, Babe Parilli, and any other former New England Patriots quarterback not currently on the list.
J.J. Watt: the J.J. Watt TV Network, devoted 24/7 to all things J.J. Watt, including sack celebrations, commercials, touchdown catches, and HBO footage of J.J. Watt caching footballs late into the night. It’s estimated that the channel can broadcast into infinity without having to repeat any footage.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Lance Berkman: A dictionary opened to the definition of "persecution."
Tom Herman: A Peach Bowl victory over Florida State and the rising national relevance of the Houston Cougars. And in this way, Herman’s also gifted with never again having to take part in stupid stunts involving his teeth.
Rice Owls Football Team: One home game in the 2016 season where there will be more than 10,000 people in the stands.
Houston Rockets: Red and mustard uniforms to be worn for every game from now until the end of the time.