A Scientific Comparison Of Indianapolis And New Orleans

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Even before Katrina, Houston was long a brother to New Orleans. Cars packed with revelers make that I-10 drive come Mardi Gras time, or whenever the urge hits.

Katrina only cemented the bond. So with the Saints in the Super Bowl, as odd as those five words strung together may sound, we're firmly rooting for the Saints here.

But we want to be fair. Indianapolis also has a team. So let's compare the two cities, see who comes out on top, and use that scientific criteria to determine who we'll root for.

Indianapolis offers a mayonnaise-based cuisine; it is derived from a culture which eschews the letter "G" and is known formally as Home Cookin'. The quality of a meal is usually judged according to portion size, whether soda refills are free and how often the bread basket is refreshed. Try the breaded pork tenderloin!!!

New Orleans, on the other hand, does not really offer good breaded pork tenderloin or loose-meat sandwiches. It's not really known for food, we guess.

Who doesn't like watered-down pop-country music? No one in Indianapolis, that's for sure. They love their Reba, Taylor Swift and Brad Paisley. Tune into the Wank & O'Brien Show on HANK-FM (The Colts' official station!!!) to hear the hits from someone who's never heard of the British euphemism for masturbation.

New Orleans, on the other hand, doesn't have the Wank & O'Brien Show.

A lot of people carp at Indianapolis for being 70 percent white, and for Indiana being the great northern stronghold of the KKK in the 1920s. What these critics fail to realize, of course, is that Indianapolis has a thriving rap scene. His name is Jerry, we think.

New Orleans, on the other hand, is the whitest, blandest city in Bizarro World, where everything is opposite.

Annual Celebrations
The big event in Indianapolis is the Indy 500, which they apparently still hold even though no one's cared about it for years. Still, it offers an excuse to indulge in breaded pork tenderloin -- as if anyone needed an excuse!!!

New Orleans, on the other hand, is still trying to master the art of throwing a big party every year. It's been almost 300 years, but we're sure they'll get the hang of it someday.

So sorry, Katrina People: The decision is obvious. Go Colts!!

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