Around noon on February 11, an unidentified Beaumont man -- a horny one, by the sound of this report -- was patrolling the city's southside streets in his SUV, looking for action.
He found it in the form of 26-year-old Renee Denise Stoker, who likely didn't advertise the fact that she had been arrested several times in the past six years for offenses ranging from pot possession to assault.
Nevertheless, Stoker and the man apparently really hit it off. Evidently they enjoyed each other's company so much, they wanted to take their relationship to the next step immediately. Or so the man thought, as he headed to a Quik-E Mart to purchase a condom.
How wrong he was.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
As it happened, he would be the only one getting screwed in this transaction; and his SUV would be the only thing getting stripped.
By the time he had secured his package of jimmy-hats, both his ride and Stoker were gone in a cloud of Beaumont grit. The picked-apart remains of the man's SUV were soon found on some godforsaken street corner; here's hoping the man didn't have a wife or girlfriend he had to answer to...
For her part, Stoker was arrested and indicted this week on charges of unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, a state jail felony punishable by six months to two years incarceration in state jail.
As for the moral to this sordid little street tale? Sounds like this guy was never in the Boy Scouts. Had he learned to "Be prepared," he would never have needed to make that costly Quick E Mart stop.