What is Texas A&M's vaunted research department up to these days?
The pressing issue of whether pets have ESP.
"The question has been asked for decades: Do animals have ESP?" says an Aggie press release.
We say the question has been asked for minutes: Who the hell's been wondering whether animals have ESP?
Someone, apparently. For the answers, let's go to the appropriately named Dr. Bonnie Beaver of A&M.
No, not the appropriately named Dr. Bonnie Beaver who is a California gynecologist. Let's keep things respectable here.
Unhappily for the sake of A&M's reputation, such as it is, the press release says "It's been suspected ESP exists in humans, but not unequivocally proven." (We guess "not unequivocally proven" is Aggie-speak for "it's absolute bullshit.")
More happily for A&M's reputation, such as it is, Beaver pretty well scotches the theory that animals have extra-sensory perception.
"A lot of the unusual phenomena that deals with animal ESP can be explained as something else," she says.
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Predicting earthquakes or storms? Animals can sense early, light tremors or changes in barometric pressure. Sensing a seizure in their owners? They can perceive subtle shifts in owner behavior.
So it's back to the drawing board, all you animal-ESP advocates. (Your precious Puddles probably could have predicted that.)
We're just glad A&M had the guts -- and the time -- to settle this pressing question.
-- Richard Connelly