Aaron Parker: When People with Giant Heads Do Terrible Things

Lost in all the shock at finding an infant child among cockroaches in a fetid home in Liberty County earlier this week has been one seemingly inescapable observation: Aaron Parker, the father of the child, whose alleged negligence may be to blame for the child's inadequate care, has, like, a giant head. In fact, his cranium is so big, it conjures strange, nagging feelings of we-don't-know-what in us.

We're not quite sure what the cause of this enormity is, or whether one of the many manifestations of White-Trash Syndrome includes the size of one's cranium. Or whether the mugshot police took somehow horribly distorted the size of this man's head. But if his gargantuan dome is indeed true, it contrasts with modern society's understanding of the meaning behind hulking heads. Which is: intelligence. Possibly even genius status. Rarely does one encounter someone like Parker -- both large-skulled and, apparently, highly stupid.

Inside Parker's atrophying home, law enforcement found not just the child, but also a dead horse and several emaciated animals, reports say. At the time, the child was drinking spoiled mild from a dirty bottle. What's more, the girl had also been kept in a cage. Police are currently looking for Parker.

But this does corroborate pop culture's general understanding of those stricken by brainius elephantus: nefarious tendencies. If you've got a big head, more often than not, that means you're up to no good. The evidence:

4. Mr. Burns

Pure, unmitigated evil. Mr. Burns hates puppies, children and has the appropriately sized head to pull it off. Favorite Burns line: "We expressed our love physically, as was the style at the time," explaining how his illegitimate child was spawned. 3. The Donald

Whether firing people, issuing traumatically bad reality television or hypothesizing that Barack Obama isn't an American citizen, Donald's mammoth head reddens with evil. Favorite Donald line: "All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me -- consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected."

2. The Brain

The Brain, from Pinky and the Brain, was one bad dude; his thirst for global control was exhaustive. Not to mention he fashioned a rather quirky catchphrase: Narf! Line: "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

1. Zordon

Remember this guy from the show Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Fair enough, he wasn't an evil character, but when paging the annals of giant head-ism, we can't leave out Zordon. He's just a giant face! Worse still, his inanity burdened us with this television show, which was evil enough. "Teleport to us five overbearing and over-emotional humans."

Follow Houston Press on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews or @HoustonPress

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.