Nature fascinates me. Specifically, I love the Discovery Channel-style shows that give a detailed breakdown of a vicious animal predator stalking its target before going in for the kill. Life is Darwinian, and it gets no more Darwinian than that. Literal survival of the fittest.
But I have a soft spot in my heart for the prey. In most of these programs, they're shown naively going about their business of eating bugs, swimming or leading their offspring on a leisurely stroll through the field/swamp/prairie. The only thing that invites their gory fate is that they exist. They don't bring it upon themselves. Their destiny is not their fault.
The SEC is the Animal Planet of college football. And sadly, for the last four days, I've watched the SEC's newest field mouse all but douse himself in hot sauce and invite the bobcat over to devour him whole.
Yes, I'm looking at you, Aggies.
For years, the Aggies have been the butt of a slew of jokes, many of them deserved, many of them self-inflicted, some of them undeserved, all of them hilarious.
At 12:01 a.m. Sunday morning, the Aggies officially became an SEC school. How do I know this? Well, because everyone with an A&M degree on my Twitter timeline was firing off celebratory tweets about "finally becoming an SEC school." If Texas A&M alumni had a collective Facebook account, it would have included pictures of A&M sitting on the SEC's lap with its tongue in the conference's ear and then tagging Texas so the Longhorns could see the pictures. Whoop, hoot, boy howdy...Look at my new boyfriend, UT! Hook this!! SEC! SEC! SEC!
Along those lines, I have to believe that those Aggie self-congratulatory tweets were grounded more in a "Thank God we're not in the Big 12 anymore!" sentiment than a "Finally, we're in the SEC!" sentiment. They have to be, right? Because if the Aggies are truly celebrating their arrival in the SEC, never have I seen field mice more happy to get devoured by the bobcat.
Celebrating the sharing of a division with LSU, Alabama, Arkansas and Auburn is like someone who looks like...well, ME being fired up about my chances of showing up on The Bachelorette and getting laid. Like I would stand any chance after the parade of Midtown-style chach meatheads all step out of the limo, and then my 43-year-old bald ass steps out. Emily would throw up on sight. (To be fair, Emily is a genteel, Southern woman. She'd actually politely tell me how much it hurts to eliminate me in the first 30 seconds of the show, and ask if we could still be friends...and then trash me in an In the Moment vignette.)
Yes, Aggies, I just compared your football program to my looks. Sucks for you.
Okay, rookie mistake, Ags. I'm sure you realized how ridiculous you all sounded on Sunday morning. Euphoria, caught up in the moment, we get it. Monday morning, I was all ready to forget your perp walk disguised as a parade on Sunday ever happened.
Aaaaand then this happened....
Um....(rubs eyes again because I can't believe what I just saw)....uh.....HUH?
In the words of the immortal Booker T, tell me I just didn't see that! Tell me you didn't do a video with 13
incredibly awkward students shouting the cheers and catchphrases of the other 13 SEC schools incredibly awkwardly. Tell me that your school didn't just make a top-down decision (your school president is in the video, so he's culpable in this) to enter the Thunderdome of college football and, as your first order of business, theatrically fellate the rest of the league.
Tell me that the field mouse didn't just wave its arms and scream, "Hey, bobcat...OVER HERE!!!"
I mean, damn, Aggies. Individually, I like virtually all of you that I know. I count Aggies among some of my best friends. So why do you make it so hard on me? How can you not have learned from other schools that trying to emote in a cute video works roughly 0.001 percent of the time?
How did you not get the memo -- YouTube is the small of the Internet's back, school spirit videos are the tramp stamps. That shit is FOREVER.
And now, even worse, you've given the Longhorns ammunition to fire back. And fire back they did...
Personal, biting, accurate, hilarious.
Here's the thing. I understand Texas A&M's reasons for leaving the Big 12 to move to the SEC. The SEC, at the time of A&M's decision, at least, was considerably more stable (the Big 12 has actually stabilized nicely in the last year, though) and possibly more lucrative. But the Aggies hated the shadow of the Longhorns, and even more hated their arrogance and high-handedness. I get it. I went to a school that wrote the syllabus in arrogance, I understand.
But, Aggies, do you really think the punch lines are going away now that you're in the SEC? I would argue it's only going to be worse, and would also argue that there will come a time when you actually miss the type of ribbing that the Longhorns would engage you in. To make an analogy, the disrespect in the Big 12 was more like an older brother breaking balls on a younger brother. Was it annoying? Yeah, probably, but at the end of the day, there is a lineage and a tradition that binds, that mends fences.
Now, Aggies, you're heading into some junior high-style bullying. You're the new kid in town on the first day of school, and you're showing up in home room wearing a bow tie, butchering the gang signs of all the street toughs sitting around you in an attempt to kiss ass.
LSU, Florida, Alabama...now the SEC thugs are all lining up to slap you, mock you and swirly your head in the boys' room toilet.
Atomic wedgies begin on September 8.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.