Alleged McAllen Starbucks Masturbator Immortalized in Song

In the borderlands of South Texas, there has long been a tradition of immortalizing revolutionaries in song. Corridos, as these tunes are known, date back to the decades before the Mexican Revolution, and have been written in honor of people like Emiliano Zapata and Pancho Villa. "La Cucaracha" was originally composed in honor of Villa as the bandoliered bandito ran rings around his foes.

More recently, drug cartel overlords have been known to commission composers to write corridos in their honor. Most of those guys know they won't be around forever, so they see it as something akin to writing their own eulogy.

McAllen's Jose Maravilla is neither a revolutionary nor a drug lord. Far from it. Instead, he's the star of what has to be the most gratuitously detailed account of someone masturbating publicly ever to appear in a daily newspaper. Indeed, even we at Hair Balls were a little astonished as the McAllen Monitor practically walked us through Maravilla's Starbucks monkey-spanking stroke-by-stroke.

And evidently that was enough for Maravilla to win himself Borderlands immortality in the form of a song composed in his honor.

No, it's not a corrido in form. It's a rap ditty and the MC -- one Shing Shang Wong -- makes Mike Jones sound like Nas by comparison. Yeah, it's wack, but then Maravilla knows aaaallll about the whackness. (Allegedly.)

Still, it's pretty funny and we are glad that Mr. Wong forwarded us the link to his composition, which we are honored to present.

With no further ado, here's "Cream In Your Coffee," Jose Maravilla's official entry into the folklore of the Rio Grande Valley.

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