An Open Letter to the A-Hole Who Sent a White Powdery Substance to Franklin Elementary School Today

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Dear Jerk-Off,

As you know, a bunch of parents already rattled by last week's tragedy had to receive a letter from Franklin Elementary Principal Jilliane Raphiel today notifying them that "a white powdery substance arrived on campus through the U.S. mail." Of course, "testing on the envelope and the powdery substance revealed that the substance DID NOT pose a threat to our students or staff. No students are believed to have come into contact with the substance."

The letter doesn't say what the substance is, but it doesn't matter. "When the letter was opened, campus staff immediately notified law enforcement, and a Houston Fire Department hazardous materials crew was dispatched to our school." They quarantined the main office and shut off the air conditioning. They did everything necessary to ensure the safety of all the kids in that school, and they responded the way they knew they had to, even if they figured it was a sick joke and the substance was just flour or sugar. So congrats, dick -- you interrupted everyone's day for a few hours.

Ideally, they'll work that envelope over for prints and DNA. If they do that, chances are they'd turn up empty-handed, because even a cretin as unimaginative and lazy as you could not possibly be dumb enough to leave a trail.

These mailings were kind of shocking in the weeks and months after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, when we truly felt vulnerable and under attack by unknown forces. But mailing an envelope full of table salt (or whatever the hell you sent) in 2012 is the equivalent of walking up to a bank teller and claiming to have a gun in your pocket, when all you have is your thumb and forefinger. Yeah, a person has to take such threats seriously, because they're obviously deranged, but all it winds up being is a headache for good people who are just trying to go about their day.

You are irritating. You are not clever. But, and thank God for this, you are actually decent enough that you don't truly want to hurt anybody. You just want some sense of accomplishment because you are unsatisfied with your life. Well, stop being a prick and deal with it. Talk to a therapist. Go bowling. Sign up for Habitat for Humanity. Just leave teachers and parents and children alone. They're dealing with enough right now. They're also contributing to society. You might want to try that sometime, just to see how it feels.

Merry Christmas,

Hair Balls.

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