As you might have heard, Andy Fastow has returned to Houston after his stint in a federal prison.
He's currently in a halfway house and, let's face it, he needs a job. Luckily the rules allow him to leave the facility for work or community service.
But Fastow comes back to a changed Houston. To help him adapt, and in the hope he can line something up in this tough economy, we offer our job tips:
5. Houston Texans statistician Look, numbers are wonderfully malleable things. You say the other team got 38 points and the Texans only got 21 (14 of them scored in garbage time) and that means the other team "won"? Fine. Let Fastow bedazzle the press for a while and those numbers will come out as another win for Houston.
4. Salesman at Texas Tuscan Furniture Why Texas Tuscan? Because it's at 1302 West Gray, which is the former home of...Jus' Stuff, the antiques store opened by Ken Lay's wife after the Enron collapse. Fastow could commune with Ken's ghost while he tries to upsell a West U lawyer's wife on a dining room set.
3. Texas Comptroller Sure, current comptroller Susan Combs was able to whip up an extra billion or so in "expected revenue" when the legislature needed help, but that's not nearly enough. Texas needs someone who can spin billions and billions out of thin air with a couple of PowerPoint slides. Fastow has proven he's got what it takes. Why not use that talent?
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2. Open up a cheap moving company Look, ex-cons have to stick together, no matter what the parole board says. And nothing says "ex-cons" more than a fly-by-night moving company, the kind that seem to infest Houston. "Handling your valuables as carefully as the Chewco or Jedi offshore accounts!!" is a winning slogan, we think.
1. Astrodome Developer Two things are clear about the abandoned Astrodome: a) There's no affordable plan that would reliably transform it into a moneymaking facility, and b) No politician has the balls to call for it to be torn down.
Enter Fastow. He'll have that thing looking like a money-printing machine in no time. And it will all sound good. Why shouldn't all Harris County taxpayers get to feel like Enron 401(k) shareholders?
Failing all of these, we guess he can always find a job at his in-laws' Weingarten Realty, closing down beloved Houston stores and theaters.