Regular readers of the Houston Press and Hair Balls have been following the saga of the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care for some time as we've tried to raise awareness about mismanagement and abuse at the facility. Change is slow to come by, as the City and City Council continue to sit on their hands.
But is animal cruelty always that bad? Now hear me out...I'm not talking about actual abuse, which is horrifying and shameful, but rather fictional abuse, which can be amusing and catharic. Certainly, the problems at BARC are many and serious, but that shouldn't keep us from enjoying it when Fluffy's big screen counterpart takes a few lumps.
Please direct all angry correspondence to Richard Connelly.
5. A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
We're supposed to feel for Ken, the animal lover, as his botched attempts to assassinate the old lady keep going awry, resulting in the deaths of her beloved pets. Left unspoken is the undeniable fact that no one will miss the yappy little monsters anyway.
4. The Thing (1982)
Watching this clip, it's easy to make the argument that the alien is actually the villain, what with the tentacles and slime and torso bursting and all. But think about this, if those poor dogs hadn't been caged in the first place, they might be alive today. We have seen the monster, and it is Richard Masur.
3. Fatal Attraction (1978)
The boiling of the Gallagher family rabbit reaches heights of camp not seen since Joan Crawford beat the hell out of little Christina with a wire hanger. The only thing missing is the Henry Mancini soundtrack (NOTE: this clip is slightly edited so you don't actually get to see the rabbit...blame YouTube).
2. Mr. Show (1996)
The violent relationship between Nathan and Sulu the iguana is a lot like the interaction I have with my cat, except instead of whacking her with a book until she dies I sputter obscenities until she takes a shit in my messenger bag.
1. There's Something About Mary (1998)
Ben Stiller's career makes a lot more sense when you watch this and realize he hasn't made anything remotely as humorous since, and that the dog was the funniest part.
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BONUS: National Lampoon's Vacation (1981)
For our first commenter. I can't believe I forgot this one.
"Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?" "No sir, I don't." "Well...it's probably pretty stiff."