Apple has proposed a massive doughnut-shaped campus for their new world headquarters. Nicknamed the "spaceship," this monument to computing (and crazy) was slated to cost about $3 billion initially, but apparently the budget has ballooned to $5 billion.
With cost overruns over $2 billion, Apple has delayed the project and asked architects to find a way to cut $1 billion from the price tag. Look, a billion dollars is a LOT to trim from a budget. Even with this massive scale, that's 20 percent of the price tag. We have some suggestions on what they might consider dropping.
Who are they kidding? Sure, the sales force might need a fitness center so they can sculpt their rock-hard abs before going into the field to sell stylish computer technology. They are like the pharmaceutical reps of the computing world. But just a small gym for the sales sluts is more than enough. The programmers need to remain soft and doughy.
We all know that tech companies prefer their nerds locked deep inside windowless rooms where they can focus on work and keep their skin that lovely shade of pasty white. Having a view of the outside world only makes them pine for a life beyond code...a life that involves the sun and maybe even a girl. Shut down these dreams. Give them vitamin D milk if they start to develop deficiencies, but no windows. The name of them alone reminds them of the competition. That should be enough reason.
Why do you need them? For monitors or computers? Very funny, Apple. Since all work is now done on iPads and iPhones, there is no need for bulky desks. Just spread some beanbags around a giant room the way they do in pretend tech offices in movies and on TV shows. Nothing says comfortable like trying to type in a beanbag chair! Add a lava lamp for ambience. They are cheaper than incandescent lights.
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There is no need for healthy cooked meals. Simply line a large room with vending machines. Fill them with Cheetos, energy drinks, sodas and candy. You just saved on a kitchen, staff, tables and even food. The vendors will kill to get in there. Done and done!
Steve Jobs Holograms
We have to believe that working holograms of Steve Jobs will hover like specters around the building demanding better work and preaching the gospel of the Apple. We've got to believe those things are expensive, never mind the supercomputer used to house the consciousness of Jobs himself -- that's not Hal in there! Let the man rest in peace. God knows he's done enough already.