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Are You a Good Screw? Ask Your iPhone

By now, you gotta be pretty burned out on hearing, "There's an app for that." But sugar plum, get used to it already. 'Cause it's usually the answer to every inquiry to which your little heart desires a response these days, whether you embrace it or shun it. The latest question to be answered by said cliche? "Do you, dear sir or madam, really, truly know how to do the nasty?"

Yup. No fooling.

Obviously we're all stallions in bed, and any of us are ridin'-dirty-worthy. Of course. So there is clearly no need for such juvenility, right? Well, after you've pound-pound-pounded away at your lover (or were pounded away at, whatever you prefer) and sent shards of headboard clear into the Jetsons generation, you wonder. We've all, at one point or another, whether it was real or fake, wondered whether or not those titillating shrieks of ecstasy or those uncontrollable quakes of limbs cut the mustard. Admit it. You wanna know whether that O-face was legit.

In a move to either boost or shatter your boom-boom room confidence, there's an, uh, app for that. The Love Vibes iPhone app claims to "listen to vibrations, using three separate movement receptors to analyze your lovemaking in real-time." So, while you're bumpin' uglies, the app "analyzes pattern changes, range of movement, duration, stamina, and peak progression." And following the conclusion, you're awarded a score based on duration, passion, and variety, on a scale of 1 to 10.

Sigh. So basically we've got ourselves a $1.99 motion detector? Hmmm. We're not wet yet. We think we'd get better feedback whilst having sex in our driveway in the hopes that we awaken the neighbors while the outdoor garage light activates.

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However, the beauty of this transient world we call "technology" is that no software is ever final. So, dear Love Vibes, we'd like to suggest additional bang-it-better indicators that'll really make your app, um, cum of age. So to speak.

Moan Measurer: Yo, we'll put it to you this way -- if he's long, and he's strong, and he's down to get the friction on, well, the ladies are gonna sing it. We hate to break it to you, teeny weenies and wet noodles, but no matter how much commotion you got goin' on in the ocean, there are no better yardsticks than a good ol' orgasmic rebel yell.

GPS: Ladies Man Luke scores a 10 rating on Friday night with a horny lil' coed that was lookin' for a fill-up? Let 'em find other 10s in the area to spread the stellar sex net far and wide. Limp Dick Larry barely posts a 3 after bringin' home the but-her-face from Pub Fiction? Let him locate humanitarian thighs in his neighborhood - or start an Improve Your Score Club altogether - that'll really make the bedsprings ring.

Thrust-ometer: Are those grunted plunges occurring too close together, and is your partner beginning to grimace like Gilbert Gottfried? Or are those guttural groans way too far apart, leaving your paramour to plan her lunches for next week? Grunt frequency ain't no joke. 'Cause, to marry the bump to the grind, you gotta know the difference between pushin' it, and pushin' it real good.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

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