I know Lance is, like, a cancer hero and everything, and he won that French bike thing a whole billion times. But please. He is 36. Ashley Olsen is 21. She just got rid of the training wheels for God’s sake.
Was she the one with the eating disorder? Miss Pop Rocks can’t be sure. But what she is sure about is that this whole thing is icky times two. Lance, you seemed so much more honorable and noble and cute when you were squiring Sheryl Crow around. Come on, man. Yellow bracelets aside, this is really unforgivable. And Ashley, honestly. What would Bob Saget say? (If anyone cared what Bob Saget had to say anymore?)
What are the discussions like between Lance and Ashley? I can’t imagine they have much in common.
Lance: Man, I remember when I first started training on my bike.
Ashley: Yeah, that’s when I was training too…on my potty.
Lance: My first son was born in 1999.
Ashley: I was 13 then. I don’t think I’d even gotten my period yet.
Lance: Did you know I won a prestigious bike race in France a whole bunch of times?
Ashley: Really? Well John Stamos changed my diaper once. So there.
Sources say that when they were caught gettin’ cozy at the Waverly Inn in NYC, Ashley was sitting on Lance’s lap. Somehow, to Miss Pop Rocks, that part seems oddly appropriate. -- Jennifer Mathieu