Ask Joe The Plumber

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It's been a big day for Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as "Joe the Plumber."

After John McCain mentioned his name about 12,000 times in last night's debate, the media descended on the guy's house in Ohio to learn about "the common man's" thoughts.

Thoughts which sounded pretty much like GOP talking points. Except for (or maybe including) the fact that Wurzelbacher doesn't necessarily believe in paying his taxes.

Anyway, Joe has been free and easy with his advice, calling Obama a socialist and saying the senator, in answering a question, did a "tap dance... almost as good as Sammy Davis Junior."

We've gotten access to his soon-to-debut advice column:

Dear Joe the Plumber:

I'm a good-looking woman who's been promoted waaay over her head, and now all of a sudden I'm facing the "mainstream media." What should I do?

Signed, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Well, since I've already conducted more press conferences (one) with the national media than you have (zero), you've come to the right place for advice. First, these self-appointed critics will try to tell you that you need to have all these "qualifications" to have a job -- like, say, a plumber's license, or paying your taxes or -- in your case -- having some sort of experience with foreign policy. Don't listen to them! You can see Russia from your window, I can see Bob Vila "Learn to be a Plumber" videos, it's all good. And remember, throw in a Sammy Davis Junior reference if you can.

Dear Joe the Plumber,

My friends, I am angry. Just because I voted 90 percent of the time with George W. Bush, people think that somehow I would continue his policies if elected. I can change! You're a young guy -- do you have any hip phrases or references I can use to reach the youngsters?

Signed, John McC.

Dear John McC:

Have you tried a Sammy Davis Jr. reference? That always works. I would bet those kids who like that "rap" stuff would dig it. In addition, I would toss off terms like "socialist" and talk about a lot of stuff from the 1960s. I think the main thing, though, is if you have a talking point, then don't be afraid to pound it -- for instance, I don't think you mentioned me enough times last night. There were a couple of sentences there where my name didn't come up at all. That's going to kill you with the plumbers.

Dear Joe the Plumber:

I really, really thought the 2008 presidential campaign could not be dumbed down any more. I mean, with all the "Obama's a Muslim!" crap and all. But now you've come along. I just want to thank you for restoring my faith in the ability for America to keep getting dumber.

Signed, A Voter

Dear A. Voter:

I do what I can.

Dear Joe the Plumber:

Why aren't you wearing a flag pin?

Signed, Sean Hannity

Dear Sean:

I wear a slightly stained but proud middle-American t-shirt. I don't have any of those fancy "lapels" that you put a flag pin on. I don't know from fashion, all I know about is socialism, which is what happens when you try to raise taxes on someone making only $250,000 a year.

Dear Joe the Plumber:

Are you familiar with Andy Warhol's theory of "15 Minutes of Fame"?

Signed, William Hung

Dear William Hung: Andy Warhol? Sounds like one of them artist types to me. Probably a socialist, too.

-- Richard Connelly

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