The Astros are going to suck this season. And Drayton McLane’s not going to have Craig Biggio’s quest for 3,000 hits / farewell retirement tour to increase attendance. So he’s going to have to try something else.
The good folks at the Home Run Derby blog have actually studied what various teams are doing for fan giveaways this season, and there’s actually a good one from the Astros – Drayton’s giving away a grill at the July 2nd game. But that’s only one home game out of 81. Drayton’s going to have to do something to goose the attendance for the other 80.
That’s where I come in. Drayton, I’ve got some ideas for you. Ideas which you can use to get good attendance numbers for at least 20 more home games. And I’m not afraid to share, so, Drayton, feel free to borrow some of these ideas.
Saturday, April 12, versus the Florida Marlins: Hey, it’s the first of six Craig Biggio bobblehead doll giveaways. This bobblehead celebrates Biggio’s early years with the club, and features Biggio wearing the rainbow sleeve home jersey. Goes to the first 20,000 fans.
Sunday, April 13, versus the Florida Marlins: To celebrate Hunter Pence’s time in Florida during spring training, the Astros are giving away glow-in-the-dark stickers to put on your sliding glass doors. There’s a sticker available for every fan who walks through the turnstiles. And if you have a few beers, the team will gladly provide you with a few more stickers on your way out.
Tuesday, May 6, versus the Washington Nationals: To celebrate the good folks from D.C. paying a visit to MMP, the Astros are having Plea Bargain Night. The first 30,000 adults in attendance will receive a free get out of jail card from whoever is serving as the Harris County D.A. that night.
Wednesday, May 7, versus the Washington Nationals: Hey, the first 20,000 kids in attendance get a Miguel Tejada syringe and a couple of doses of B-12.
Thursday, May 8, versus the Washington Nationals: It’s the very special Roger Clemens bobblehead doll. And what, you ask, makes this one so special? Why, there’s a third ear on his forehead. You must fail a lie detector test to get this very special item.
Tuesday, June 24, versus the Texas Rangers: It’s time for the second of six Craig Biggio bobblehead giveaways. This is the one with Biggio in his rainbow sleeve road jersey. Goes to the first 20,000 fans.
Wednesday, June 25, versus the Texas Rangers: The first 20,000 kids through the door get a Craig Biggio elbow pad with instructions on how to dive into a pitch.
Thursday, June 26: versus the Texas Rangers: Every fan gets a special Woody Williams bobblehead. What’s so special? Well, the head doesn’t bob, it just twists around as if it’s following the flight of a home run.
Monday, July 21, versus the Pittsburgh Pirates: Hey, kids, guess what? It’s time for the third of the six Craig Biggio bobbleheads. This one has Craig wearing the home jersey from the late-90s seasons. First 20,000 fans.
Tuesday, July 22, versus the Pittsburgh Pirates: It’s dollar beer night, with a catch. If the Astros pitching staff can go the night without surrendering a home run (Roy Oswalt not included), then the beer for the next game costs only one dollar.
Wednesday, July 23, versus the Pittsburgh Pirates: The first 10,000 dads get a Roy Oswalt mini-tractor (but it’s only a model and not the real thing).
Monday, July 28, versus the Cincinnati Reds: The first 30,000 fans get a Jeff Bagwell bobblehead – we don’t want Jeff to think that Drayton’s forgotten about him.
Tuesday, July 29, versus the Cincinnati Reds: The first 20,000 fans with dirt stains on their clothes get a replica Craig Biggio dirt and tar stained batting helmet.
Wednesday, July 30, versus the Cincinnati Reds: Hey, gang, the first 20,000 fans get the fourth of the six Craig Biggio bobbleheads. This one is of Craig wearing the road uniform of the late-90s Astros.
Monday, September 8, versus the Pittsburgh Pirates: The first 10,000 teenagers get the special Wandy Rodriguez rocket. It’s a rocket that can recreate the trajectory of any Wandy Rodriguez home run.
Tuesday, September 9, versus the Pittsburgh Pirates: The first 20,000 fans get the fifth of the six Biggio bobbleheads. This one has Craig wearing the current Astros pinstripes.
Wednesday, September 10, versus the Pittsburgh Pirates: It’s the Dewey Robinson toy train set for the first 10,000 kids, age ten or younger. Let your kids recreate Dewey’s many, many trips to the mounds to calm down his pitchers.
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Tuesday, September 23, versus the Cincinnati Reds: Every fan in attendance gets a very special Drayton McLane doll. Just pull the chord attached to his back and listen to him repeat some of his favorite sayings, like “What have you done to make us a champion?” or “This is the best nucleus in baseball,” or “We never anticipated Miguel Tejada would be named in the Mitchell Report.”
Wednesday, September 24, versus the Cincinnati Reds: For the first 30,000 fans, it’s the Craig Biggio action doll. Watch him dive in front of a pitch. Watch him miss the ball at second base. Watch him get thrown at second trying to stretch a single into a double. The action figure comes with two uniforms – home and away – dirt, batting helmet, glove, bat, and elbow pads.
Thursday, September 25, versus the Cincinnati Reds: It’s time for the final Craig Biggio bobblehead. This one has Craig wearing the current road uniform. Once again, for the first 20,000 fans.
With items like that, folks, I’d get my tickets now if I were you. – John Royal