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Astros Slogan Contest: A Word on Milkshakes and Bringing Good Guys to the Yard

I just want you to know that I’m reading your entries for the 2008 Houston Astros marketing slogan, and I’m rather impressed by some of them. (Don’t forget, we’re still taking entries, so feel free to submit them here.) And I wanted to comment on one of them because I think it really addresses a serious issue with the Astros.

I’ve got to announce a fondness for “I Drink Your Milkshake” – which probably has something to do with loving There Will Be Blood and the performance that Daniel Day-Lewis delivers as Daniel Plainview. It’s Day-Lewis as Plainview who delivers a devastatingly evil monologue at the end of the film in which “I drink your milkshake” is uttered.

But there’s one reason why this line won’t work for the Astros marketing slogan: There’s nobody on this team who’s a big enough bastard to compare to Day-Lewis. Name one person on this team who strikes fear into the opposition. Rocket was crazy. Jeff Kent was just an all-around bastard (hell, Kent was such a prick that the reason he and Barry Bonds got into a fight was that Bonds was actually coming to the defense of a teammate). You were never quite sure whether Billy Wagner would keep that 100-mile-an-hour fastball in the strike zone, or aim at a head.

On this team, Lance Berkman’s probably going to try and convert the opposition to Christianity. Carlos Lee will probably be trying to sell some cattle. Hunter Pence is going to be inviting them out to party. Roy Oswalt’s going to ask for farming tips. Brad Ausmus is trying to get a coaching job, and Wandy Rodriguez and Woody Williams are too busy serving up home run balls to intimidate anyone.

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So while most of these guys would probably love to drink a milkshake, and would probably want to share milkshakes, I really don’t see any of these guys being big enough pricks to stick their straw into someone else’s milkshake.

The 2008 Astros, despite the monster roster shakeup, still consist of good guys. There’s nothing wrong with a team of good guys. It’s just that they don’t win. And that’s the point of this whole damn thing: winning. People aren’t paying their hard-earned bucks to watch a bunch of good guys. They’re paying to watch the team win.

They’re paying to see a bunch of guys “drink your milkshake.” Instead they’re getting a bunch of guys letting their milkshakes get drunk. – John Royal

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