Aubrey Huff Loves the Ladies. Baltimore, Not So Much.

Some of you maybe remember Aubrey Huff's brief time as a Houston Astro. He was another of Tim Purpura's favorite type of players. That guy who could play first, third, and right field, but was good at none of them. You know, like Morgan Ensberg, Mike Lamb or Ty Wigginton. And Huff even came from the same place as Ty, Tampa Bay.

Mr. Huff finished his short tenure in Houston and signed a decent contract to be mediocre at all of those positions for the Baltimore Orioles.

Well, it appears that Aubrey is regretting his decision. Not because the Orioles stink, of course -- after all, he came from the Astros and D-Rays (excuse me, that's now just Rays), so he's used to the stinking. He's regretting his decision because, apparently, Baltimore, as a town, is horseshit.

Now Aubrey probably thought that, because he said this statement on Bubba The Love Sponge's radio show, his statements wouldn't get back to the people of Baltimore. He guessed wrong. And he's been having to backtrack from his statements. What's really funny about this is that, around the stadium, Baltimore is full of nightlife. Clubs. Bars. Lots of music and fancy restaurants. But while not explicitly stated, it appears Baltimore is horseshit because it doesn't have the same class of strip clubs as Tampa Bay. And, from my understanding, the strip clubs in the Tampa Bay area are pretty outstanding.

It also appears that Aubrey likes to spend time in his hotel room watching the porn channels and relieving his stress, which might be why he always appears to be so lackluster when out in the field.

But this got me to thinking. You see, one of my fears is that the Astros are going to turn into the Orioles of the National League. That team with the owner who knows nothing but thinks he knows it all. Who won't pull the trigger on good trades, and makes bad free agent signings. That team that used to be good but falls into a long free-fall from which appears that it will never recover.

But Houston can never be Baltimore because Houston's strip clubs are probably of the class of Tampa. I remember TNT's favorite basketball analyst, Charles Barkley, famously saying the best things about Houston were the barbeque and the topless clubs. So, if we can just get Bill White to leave the strip clubs alone, maybe we can attract that special quality of player to Houston that we just can't get now. Otherwise, what else prevents Houston from being just another horseshit town like Baltimore? -- John Royal

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