Today is Cyber Monday, a special day drummed up by the National Retail Federation to trick people into thinking there's some special reason people should shop online today, as opposed to yesterday. Or two weeks from now.
The Federation's idea was to drive people to www.CyberMonday.com, which features promotions from big-name retailers like Toys R Us and Macy's. How boring! If you're going to recognize this fake shopping day, Hair Balls would like to suggest other opportunities for you to buy gifts that will really stand out under that Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush.
A favorite (we think) of the Houston Crime Victims Office, this murderabilia site is the perfect fit for the most finicky friend or family member. Did Uncle Bill scoff at that Hooters tie you got him last year? Well, just imagine the look on his face when he unwraps the paper on the license plate from executed serial killer John Wayne Gacy's 1978 Chevy van. Or how about a two-page handwritten letter by the Son of Sam himself? Either way, you're guaranteed to be the hit of this year's Christmas.
According to statistics we just made up, the popularity of the sexual fetish of pony-play has increased 80 percent among adults since 2006. So whether Grandpa prefers the role of cart-, riding-, or show-pony, there is no doubt you'll find something to bring out his inner equine. We suggest a pair of vinyl pink palamino "Wildfire Hooves." These are "hooves made for ponies by a pony"! And, unlike cheap-o alternatives, the website assures us that "hoof color is impregnated -- not just painted on." Giddyup, Gramps!
Is your family white and proud of it? If so, there's virtually no better way to display your caucasoid pride than by wearing one of the fine garments made by the good white folks at Aryanwear.com. Right now, a Hitler mousepad -- elegantly embroidered with the phrase "I Was Right" -- is a freakin' steal at just $8.14. Or maybe your special white someone has been hankerin' for a brass-knuckle necklace inscribed with "HATE," but you just haven't found a decent pair at Jared. Well at Aryan Wear, they're only $10! We're not exactly sure if all the products are made in the U.S., but the owners assure us that "since we are racialists, we do not think products made by illegal Mexicans in the USA are better than products made by non-whites elsewhere." Sieg heil? More like sieg smile!
Like many minority organizations and National Public Radio, the North American Man-Boy Love Association depends a great deal on donations. But in addition to the knowledge that you're helping enlighten the world as to why a 12-year-old boy should be allowed to make his own decisions, your contribution comes with a subscription to the NAMBLA Journal. Are any men in your family fans of man-boy love? If so, there is perhaps no greater gift (other than that aformentioned 12-year-old boy) than a subscription to this eye-opening publication. Here's an excerpt from a poem called "Pollen Boy," from the current issue: "Sweet-smelling Boy God/Who nourishes bees/From the lips of lowers/Life-giving Boy God/Who scatters His substance/On the changing winds." Who could resist?
Well, there are just a few options for you. Please let us know of any other sites we ought to share with our readers.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.