Awesome Discoveries in Bobby Petrino's Phone Records

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Well, Bobby Petrino has officially been fired as the head football coach at the University of Arkansas. His coaching future is, at best, on life support, his marriage is in shambles and his mistress is supposedly in some sort of "other woman" witness protection program.

In your classic story of "middle-aged man has affair with a work underling half his age before crashing his motorcycle," we're down to the final chapter -- the part where we dissect his cell-phone call detail! Thankfully, such data is made available due to a combination of Petrino's stupidity and the Freedom of Information Act.


If you want to check the detail on Petrino's phone records going all the way back to September 12, 2011, Deadspin has the scanned copies.

In the meantime, having gone through them myself, I will share my own personal highlights with you:

7. There were over 4,300 texts and over 300 phone calls exchanged between Jessica Dorrell and Bobby Petrino from September 12, 2011, through April 5, 2012. To be clear, I have three teenagers (ages 14, 14 and almost 13). They are at an age where it's generally accepted that texting has become a bodily function like eating, breathing and pissing. I know they text a LOT, and I would be mortified if any of them exchanged 4,300 texts with one person over the rest of their pre-adult years, let alone doing so at age 51 over a seven-month timeframe. Good lord, Petrino, why not just move to the mall full-time, hang out at the food court all day and get it over with?

6. There were LOTS of picture texts and lots of video texts exchanged. I've never wanted to see the actual texts and attached content received in someone's inbox more than I do Petrino's, and I've never wanted to see someone's actual texts and attached content in their inbox less than I do Dorrell's. Let me just put that out there.

5. Petrino is not afraid to get his "text on" the day before a game. On October 28, the day before a game at Vanderbilt, Dorrell and Petrino exchanged 84 texts in a five-hour period, somewhat shattering the myth that college coaches try and cram 28 hours of football into a 24-hour day, especially leading up to a game. Even better...

4. Petrino is clearly not afraid to get his "text on" the day of a game. According to the reports, Petrino and Dorrell exchanged 70 texts on the day of the game against Troy, and given the fact that Troy managed to stay within ten points of the Razorbacks, there's a decent chance that Petrino was actually sending some of these texts in between plays during the second half of the game.

3. Petrino was clearly stressed the week leading up to the Alabama game. How else do you explain four straight days of early phone calls to his sweet little Jessica -- 5:52 a.m., 6:35 a.m., 6:49 a.m. and 7:55 a.m? I'm thinking the purpose of the calls was something along the lines of "Has Josh left for work yet?" and "Be naked when I get there." How else do you deal with the mental burden of having the Saban-ator waiting for you on Saturday?

2. It's highly likely that Jessica Dorrell wasn't Petrino's only affair conducted during the period repped in these phone bills! Over the course of the first two months of the cell phone bills gathered by Deadspin, Petrino was also in periodic contact with a 26-year-old woman named Alison Melder:

Melder, 26, graduated from Arkansas-Little Rock with a degree in political science and has worked with the Young Republicans as well as the state GOP; she also worked on Jim Keet's gubernatorial campaign in 2010. (On Twitter, her bio reads "Go Lakers, Go Hogs, and Go GOP".) But her political work is hardly the first thing that comes up when you search for her name: she did a spot of modeling, at least a few years back. One modeling profile she created four years ago contains a portfolio of bikini and lingerie images, and she seems to be a favorite of The Dirty. She also lists herself as winner of the 2008 Miss Bikini USA and Miss Motorcycle Mania competitions.

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing Petrino was more interested in the Miss Motorcycle Mania portion of Melder's adult years than in her presumably conservative views on things like abortion and the economic stimulus package. Also, because there is overlap with the Dorrell Era and the Melder Era during the Petrino Age of Adultery, this means that Petrino's "other woman" has an "other woman." Seriously, is Dorrell angry that Petrino was cheating on their affair by possibly having a third affair? So many layers to the Petrino sex web!

1. Petrino did all of this on a phone, a university-subsidized phone! I don't condone extramarital affairs, but if we treat them as a project that an adulterer would like to execute successfully, and that a successful affair is a fully private one, then is it not logical that said adulterer would have a separate phone number for his mistress, and a separate provider for that phone number? Especially if the adulterer makes over $3 million per year and has the means to pay for a second cell phone account? The answer is "Yes, it is logical." However, it's also logical that a man making $3 million a year working at a university would know how to spell the word "tried" without a "Y," and Petrino does not.

So now we wait for the next step -- for Jessica Dorrell to come out of hiding, do a tearful tell-all interview with Tom Rinaldi and hopefully pose for Playboy.

In the meantime, enjoy the latest Petrino/Dorrell YouTube parody:

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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