When I was a kid, Little League season was a fairly compact slice out of the calendar year. It started in mid April, ended in June, and then after that you were free to play sandlot ball with your buddies as you prepared for Pop Warner football to start.
Nowadays, baseball is a year round deal (which sadly forces kids to choose one sport to focus on, don't get me started on that) so the season spilling over into July is pretty normal. One byproduct of more Little League baseball is a greater chance for Little League parents brawling.
This past weekend, the parents in Columbus, GA did not disappoint.
Setting the stage for the video below, courtesy of Deadspin:
The brawl reportedly started because 38-year-old Charles Davidson was playing loud music. 36-year-old Iram King and his wife, presumably also a grown human, Rose King took umbrage and yelled at Davidson to turn the music down.
Police said Davidson turned down the music, but words were exchanged about the players. Iram King started to walk toward Davidson when he said, "What do you want," or "Why are you walking over here."
A witness said Iram King told Davidson,"I'm here to f... you up."
Davidson's reply was, "Well, here I am," before police said the men tussled.
And tussle they did! Here we go:
Ok, if you want the narrative, which I know you do, it's why you click on my shit, here it is:
0:05 -- We get a strange slow motion shot of some milfy blond with a little junk in the trunk jogging over to see what's going on. What's going on is a good ol' fashioned Little League parent brawl! We learn that that the parties involved in this donnybrook (not sure which one is King and which one is Davidson) are fucking HUGE. I guess in addition to loving their Little League Baseball, Columbus also loves its Waffle Houses and Cold Stone Creameries.
0:12 -- We get the first cries from Incredulous Parent with their "STOP IT, GAHS!" (that's "guys" in a Southern accent) and "What are y'all DOING?!?" Incredulous Parent absolutely sucks in instances like this. If I were there, I'd have been signaling the timekeeper to ring the bell so we could get the match underway. I mean, Davidson was playing his music too loud! HE MUST PAY!!!
0:25 -- We have a mosh pit of parents intervening, although it's more fun to think that they're all ganging up on one guy, kind of like the strippers who ganged up on Ox in mud wrestling in the movie Stripes. Even funnier if Davidson emerged from the pile holding the bras and underwear of every parent trying to take him down. Dammit, now I have to watch Stripes...
0:30 -- We get our first cries from "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" woman? I think it's a woman, at least. It could be Ned Flanders. Either way, whoever it is, is asking a logical question because the scene could just as easily be an elephant mating ritual on Animal Planet as it is a brawl between rotund Little League parents.
0:35 -- We get our first semblance of a wrestling hold as some paunchy white dude goes for the rear naked choke hold on some burly black guy. And he ain't lettin' go!! Come on, guys! Ebony and ivory! EBONY AND IVORY!! What happened to our perfect harmony?
0:45 -- Mother of God, is there not a single male in this video under 275 pounds? And if there is not, do you really even need to break up this fight? Won't all of these hippos just tire out after like 45 seconds?
1:00 -- Preachy Parent makes his first auditory appearance in the video with the ever condescending "Be grownups, gahs!!" Actually, Preachy, you can start being a grownup by not calling adult humans "grownups". To four year olds, they're "grownups'; to this herd of cattle in golf shirts, they're called "adults."
1:09 -- Aaannnd in comes the first plea from the peanut gallery to "Show some class". After they've already fought for the better part of two minutes. Hey guys, can you show some class, please, and break up this fruitless brawl you started a couple minutes ago? That would be the classy thing to do. Mmmm kay?
1:19 -- Ok, now they've gone and pissed off the old people. We get a Grandpa Simpson soundalike in a yellow golf shirt (with a cane!) reminding everyone that "there's kids watching this stuff!" Strangely enough, the one thing I haven't seen in this video? A single Little League player.
1:22 -- Preachy is back reminding everyone to "set an example". Yeah, the "example" horse left the barn a while ago, buddy. It was chasing the "show some class" horse.
1:29 -- We get a close up of what I can only assume was one of the principals in the brawl, a Buzz Sawyer lookalike in a blue shirt fiercely contesting some old lady's admonishment of him with a reminder that "THEY CAME AFTER MEEEEE!!!!!"
1:42 -- And finally, justice prevails as some 400 pound dude in a UGA t-shirt gets cuffed as a friend off camera reminds him "Chad, you keep it shut, brother..." Which either means he's reminding him of his fifth amendment rights, or he's reminding him that you never rat on your friends, and always keep your mouth shut.
The end result in all of this mess of lard and humanity is that Davidson and King are required to appear in Columbus Recorder's Court for a hearing on Aug. 16, which means we will get to relive this video at least one more time in the next month or so.
All right, back to work, people....
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