Bath salts: The first taste is free

Bath Salts As Fake Coke: How Five Movies Would Have Been Different

With all this talk about

synthetic marijuana (K2)

, Hair Balls was already feeling despair for kids these days. But when we checked out the

Beaumont Enterprise recently

, we completely lost all faith: people in southeast Texas are now apparently snorting bath salt.

"Authorities are interested in reports that people are buying a version of the products marketed as 'concentrated bath salts,' not so much for their added relaxation, but instead to get high," the paper reports, although it could've very well said, "Authorities are interested in reports that people are fucking idiots."

Doesn't anyone smoke crack anymore?

If you're looking for a piece of this Epsom cartel, it's "sold in 500-milligram containers and is available locally for $29.99. It is sold behind the counter at some gas stations and head shops....It comes in screw-top jars about an inch high and an inch around." What good is a drug if you can buy it, along with some beef jerky and a Lotto ticket, at the corner Valero? Doesn't anyone suck off strangers in bus station bathrooms for crack money anymore?

What's worse, according to an assistant professor quoted in the story, "bath salts are popular in pro-marijuana circles." What? Where is this assistant professor getting his weed? What self-respecting stoner advocates Morton's-snorting?

What would Pablo Escobar think of this nonsense? Or, for that matter, Tony Montana? Look, drugs -- real drugs -- are cool. Which is why swapping the street product for supermarket product in the following movie scenes would just not work. Let's leave salt on the table, where it belongs.

5. Scarface

"In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women. Then you get the Epsom salt."

4. Blow

"We invented the marketplace. In fact, if you snorted Epsom salt in the late 1970s or early '80s, there was an 85 percent chance it came from us."

3. Repo Man

"The guys that make it are the guys that get in their cars at any time. Get in at 3 a.m., get up at 4. That's why there ain't no repo man I know that don't take Arm & Hammer."

2. The Wire

"Avon, you gotta think about what we got in this game for, man. Was it the rep? Was it so our names could ring out on some fucking ghetto streetcorner, man? Naw, man. There's games beyond the fucking game. And trust, this shit here keeps your 'fridge smelling fresh and clean."

1. Traffic

"You like baseball? We need lights for the parks, so kids can play at night. So they can play baseball. So they don't become

burros para los Morton's de la kosher.


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