BATTLE-DRINK, Week 5: I Left My Liver In San Francisco

Sunday night, the Texans take on the San Francisco 49ers, and I think of all the possible BATTLE-DRINK challenges, Sunday night games pose the most daunting one.

Think about it, Thursday night games are all right because there's only one per year, and who's really focused on Friday at work anyway. Hell, with the government shut down, we can probably declare Thursday as the new Friday anyway.

Sunday afternoon games, even the late 3:25 p.m. kickoffs, are fine because if you get really sideways, you can crash early and still have time to sleep it off before Monday arrives. Monday night games are so over-the-top risky that if you're BATTLE-DRINKing on a Monday night, you probably have a drinking problem anyway and are used to being uber shitfaced.

But Sunday nights. Ah, those Sunday nights. They have just enough of an attachment to the "day off" feeling to lull you into thinking it's ok to BATTLE-DRINK, and then BOOM...next thing you know, it's 6:00 a.m. and you're waking up in your dog's floor bed in just boxers with vomit caked into your chest hair.

And it's Monday morning.

Sunday night BATTLE-DRINK, man. It's not for the weak.

And with the NIners looming, we need only the strong on this venture. The courage that we want to envelope the chest cavities of our faithful gridiron warriors starts with us, back here in Houston. Drinking. Lots.

Like last week both in BATTLE-DRINK and in actual football, the caliber of your Monday morning (Will it be slightly miserable or really miserable?), will be determined in large part by quarterback Matt Schaub.

Put it this way -- if he throws another pick 6 this week, your liver is toast.

Here are the new squares for this week:

B4: Promo for "Law & Order: SVU" The game is on NBC, so we will get promos for NBC shows, which means (hopefully) a heaping helping of Mariska Hargitay, who has swiped the mantle in these last few years as the "MILFy television personality who I probably have ranked a couple points higher on a scale of 1 to 10 than the rest of my friends." The titleholders the last few years look like this:

2003 Patricia Heaton 2004 Katie Couric 2005 Katie Couric 2006 Julia Louis-Dreyfus 2007 Julia Louis-Dreyfus 2008 Tina Fey 2009 Hannah Storm 2010 Mariska Hargitay 2011 Mariska Hargitay 2012 Mariska Hargitay

The floor is open, and I have a feeling I could do four hours on this, AND John Granato might actually enjoy it! I1: Donte HITNER mention Donte Whitner is a hard hitting safety for the San Francisco 49ers, such a hard hitting safety that he wants everyone to know it not only every time he hits somebody, but any time he does, well, anything. After checking with his mom this past week, Donte Whitner announced that he will be changing his last name to HITNER. At first, when I saw this story, I thought it said he was changing his name to HITLER, which would be stupid, if for no other reason than it would be a horribly selling jersey. If they're burning SCHAUB jerseys after a pick 6, I can only imagine what they'd do to a HITLER jersey. The good news is that the door is now open for me to change my last name to TENDERASS on a permanent basis. HITNER has paved the way.

I2: Texan player "Kaepernicks" You know that you've stumbled upon an iconic action when the verb which denotes said action is your surname. Tebowing admittedly begat most of these, but certainly everyone knows what Kaepernicking is now...

Now, Kaepernicking is fine, but it's even better when the opposing team does it. My guess is the only Texan who would do it is J.J. Watt (see: Rodgers, Aaron, Discount Double Check), which is fine since he will have at least ten or twelve moments in any given game where it's appropriate to mock the other team.

I5: BLOOD!!!! Speaking of J.J. Watt, it was kind of a big deal this past weekend against the Seahawks when J.J. apparently was stabbed in the face with a trident during one particular play and popped a gusher above his nose. The good news is that the Texans now have a whole new avenue of Watt marketing available to them -- posters, t-shirts, spray cans with fake "J.J. Watt blood." The bad news is that J.J.'s gusher flipped Goodell's "gunslinger, throw shit against the wall" switch to level "FAVRE" and now they're talking about new rules for bleeding players being required to leave the field, because apparently blood diseases are new.

N1: Shane Lechler hang time chug This one will stay on the board long-term. Great suggestion, @PatDStat!

N5: Al Michaels gambling reference It's a virtual lock that any game involving Michaels or Brent Musberger will eventually have them referring to the spread and total in the game. Hell, if it's the Michigan-Notre Dame game and Eminem in in the booth, Musberger ain't scared to ask about other games outside of the one he's working...

G1: Schaub PICK 6 graphic shown G2: Schaub PICK 6 Skeeter's burger mention G3: Schaub PICK 6 rally at Skeeter's mention G4: Schaub PICK 6 to Sherman replayed G5: Schaub PICK 6 actually thrown Oh yeah, here we go...we flip Column G from All Schaub to All Schaub PICK 6, baby! Like last week, if Schaub goes down, we all go down.

O1: Duane Brown starts I think we might finally get to do this one, as Brown practiced full go on Thursday this week. In season, the best kind of shot is the "welcome back your left tackle" shot. This is known.

O4: John McClain burns Schaub jersey Since our venerable Chronicle football guru is running out of adjectives to describe Schaub's play (pathetic, horrendous, wretched) there may be nothing left for him to do but join in on the jersey barbecues going on around the city. Hopefully, Johnny Mac twitpics it if he does it, and hopefully there's also an entire pig with an apple in its mouth on a spit over the same flame.

O5: Schaub returns to Twitter as a heel As you may have heard, Schaub shut down his Twitter account this past week amidst what I'm guessing were thousands of nasty, curse word riddled, barely literate tweets about his soul crushing mistake in the Seattle game on Sunday. Proof that people were looking to pile on Schaub about just about anything -- he may have taken more heat over the Twitter thing than the interception. Whatever, I don't have a problem with him checking out of Twitter. I'm frankly surprised a lot of these guys get on there to begin with.

That said, if Schaub does return to Twitter, I'm hoping it's after a Texans win and I'm hoping he "heel turns" everyone with something like this:

If he did this, I think I'd actually go buy a Schaub jersey, or at least run around the parking lot extinguishing the ones that fans are burning.

Have fun, enjoy the game, and no drinking and driving!

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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