Baylor Says That's Not A Noose, That's A Swing

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The president of Baylor University has sent out an e-mail to students and staff


that a rope, found hanging from a tree on Election Day, was not a noose.

President David Garland said students had come forward to explain the rope was merely the remnants of a swing that they had tried to build. Because those nutty, sedate Baylor kids are still into such 1950s things as rope swings and malt shops (and lynchings?), we guess.

Garland further explained that an investigation into whether a group of students had burned Obama campaign signs had found that the students had instead burned empty campaign boxes for a barbecue fire.

Still under investigation is an incident of black and white students shouting at each other. We expect this will be found to have been a pep rally.

Even with that third incident still unsolved, you have to admit that is one big day for the Baylor investigative squad. Two allegations, two cases emphatically closed (with findings of "nothing to see here, move along").

These guys should be working for CSI: Waco.

A peek at the Baylor Investigative Squad files reveals other examples of solid, quick detective work.

1. The large "Obama Sucks" banner found hanging outside a dorm was determined to have been a typo. Investigators are still working on what the actual second word was supposed to have been.

2. While the Baylor Archery Team was found to have used Obama pictures for target practice, investigators said no charges could be filed since the team -- hampered by injuries -- had not actually hit any of the targets.

3. Pictures of Obama were found in the urinals of the Baylor cafeteria; however, investigators reported that a transfer student from Kenya or possibly Nigeria (or, as the report states, "one of those kind of countries") informed them that pissing on a picture is a sign of respect in African culture. (When asked if reporters might interview that transfer student, Baylor officials said he was out celebrating "an important African holiday.")

4. The large burning cross discovered on the quad was part of the new "Light Up For Jesus" celebration, officials said.

Baylor officials said they understood that the university's black students might feel uncomfortable with the incidents, even though they all have been definitively proven to have been nothing at all.

In the interests of multi-culturalism, they announced a hotline for black student complaints. Black students are urged to call 1-800-WAZ-ZZUP if they feel the need to "rap."

-- Richard Connelly

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